With all his faults...

Now, I don't usually get all mushy in public (or private for that matter) but I woke up this morning feeling ridiculously grateful for my life. I attribute a lot of my personal growth to one person: my husband. 

The first night we met

When I met Ron, aka Big Daddy, I was 24 years old, arrogant, broken in so many ways that I didn't even know how badly my spirit was battered, and fiercely independent. There were so many mornings when I would wake up and he would tell me that I had cried in my sleep or mumbled awful things about my past, things I never remembered let alone remembered saying. 


I often wondered if I had always been like that, battling demons in my sleep all those years. When I was awake, I guarded myself with this bullet-proof exterior; no one would hurt me the way I had been hurt and no one would get close enough to me again. My best friend, Teresa, who had known me since high school, always called me "Dally" from The Outsiders because I lived by his saying,

"You get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothing can touch you."

I really lived that way for a long time. Even years into my relationship/marriage with Ron, I expected him to give up on me and leave. I look back at it now and honestly wonder how/why the hell he stayed. I know why I was the way I was; losing my grandma when I was 19 and the death of a boyfriend I was in love with when I was 21, made me push people away before they could leave me. I wonder if I had someone to help me through all of that, if I would have been less jaded and more trusting but I guess it is what it is. 

Vegas, baby!

Anyway, for years, I pushed people away and refused to let anyone get close to me. I'm still very guarded with who I let into my life but not nearly as much as I was when I was in my 20s. My circle of friends, real friends, is small and mostly consist of people who have seen me at my worst and are still around. 


Ron and I have been together for 12 years, married for 11, and he tells me every day that he loves me, even if I have been the most awful person in the world to him. A lot of times when he says, "I love you" I don't reply, "I love you, too," I ask why. It's kind of become a joke now and he sighs and says, "Yes." I whine a little bit and say, "But WHY!?" to which he rolls his eyes and says, "Because you're relentless."


He really loves me which still boggles my mind. It's not that I think I don't deserve to be loved but he has seen me at my absolute worst and is still here, not out of obligation but because he truly loves me, faults and all. 

Stettler Steam train, look at how sexy he is!

Our wedding song was It Had To Be You and I used to sing to him, "With all your faults, I love you still," when in reality, I saw him as faultless but knew that I was riddled with many. I've since been able to see that he is not perfect but his flaws are limited to the following: 


He double-checks EVERYTHING. It's annoying. I could tell him the sky is blue and he would have to look for himself to see. 


He thinks he is smarter than everyone else. Sadly, he is. He is extremely methodic, rational and intelligent. He is argumentative, stubborn, and somewhat smug. It's annoying. 


He rarely gets emotional about anything. Overly happy, overly sad, overly angry, overly ANYTHING. I am a Scorpio. I feel everything intensely: love, hate, anger, passion, joy. Everything. He does not. It's annoying.


He hates anything that resembles manual labour and hates to be "told" to do anything. It's really annoying. 


I guess I can look past his flaws and be happy I have such great guy. 

Back in Vegas, baby! I love his scruff!!

Because he double-checks everything, I don't have to. I trust that he will take care of the little things I neglect or miss.


Because he is so smart, we have some fiery conversations which results in an extremely volcanic relationship. He challenges me to be better than I think I am. 


Because he rarely gets overly emotional about anything, I am able to. He is a calming force in my life, he never overreacts, and has patience to spare. It takes a lot for me to piss him off (thank coffee!) and he just smiles when I get goofy with excitement over the dorkiest things.


Because he hates manual labour or being told to do anything... yeh, that's still annoying :D 


But I love him, still.

Because when I look into my future, I am happy to see us together, still annoying the hell out of each other and still looking at him with my big, blue eyes, asking him why he loves me.


And if I haven't said it before, I'm a lucky girl to have such a wonderful guy. 

I swear he gets sexier with age!

Impure thoughts... gotta love 'em!

It never fails to amaze me how uptight some people are when it comes to sex.


Sex. It's what makes the world go 'round. You do it. You have had it. Chances are, it's how you got to be a MOM.

Everybody does it.

Now unless it involves rape, bestiality, kids, incest or anything of the sort WHY must it be something you should feel ashamed of?

Sex feels good. 

When you do it right, it feels GREAT!

I recently came across an event for married couples to "fix" the sexual impurities in your relationship. Ugh, it's a good thing my eyes can't roll back into my head because I was thoroughly annoyed by this "be ashamed" mentality.

You should never think about another man or woman!  

Kink or taboo is deviant and you are sick for even thinking about it! 

Fantasy is wrong!  

Sex is the physical expression of love and only meant to be enjoyed between a man and a woman!  

Good girls don't enjoy sex! 

You're a  MOM now, you should act like one! MOMs do not have sex! 

Porn is the devil's work! It destroys marriages which are the purist form of love on this earth!

Ugh, OK, I can't even write anymore stereotypical bullshit about sex because it makes me want to smack someone with a dildo.


I had a lightbulb moment when I was tweeting my frustration about these stereotypes and boxed mentality.


Most "coaches" who teach this type of thinking are sexually repressed. If they weren't they wouldn't be so concerned with making you feel ashamed about "impure" thoughts or exploring your sexuality.


I get that some women are only comfortable in the missionary position with the lights off and the doors closed but that is unhealthy too.  


Embrace your sexuality: Allowing yourself to be free of your inhibitions is empowering! If you're ashamed of your body, for every flaw you think you have, find two positive attributes about yourself and focus on them. 


Enable yourself: You are an adult who is allowed to enjoy the physical pleasures of sex. Don't buy into the "Good girls aren't suppose to like dirty sex" mentality. Sex does not equal love and love does not equal sex.


Communicate your desires to your partner: Sharing is caring and if you can't trust your partner with your deepest, darkest desires then who can you trust? Try things together, explore, be open to enjoying new things. Not everything may be your cuppa Kama Sutra but you never know unless you try. 


It's like food... you may look at it and think, "Oh hell no, I'm not putting that in my mouth," but once you open your mind and try it, you may discover you like it. And if you don't, that's OK too.


Sex isn't dirty: It's fantastic! Quiet those voices in your head that tell you watching porn is disgusting and wrong, or talking dirty is inappropriate, or using sex toys is only something sluts do. Read some erotica, masturbate before you get to the actual act of having sex (yes, I said masturbate, did you know that an orgasm a day extends your life span?), or fantasize about having your way with George Clooney or Angelina Jolie. Do what YOU need to do in order to keep taking your sex life to the next level. 


Vanilla sex = B-O-R-I-N-G:

Whatever you do, take steps to breaking free of the guilt/shame/what-if-someone-thinks-I'm-a-freak mentality. Breathe deeply and let the orgasms flow!

Enabling you as always...

September 11: Ten Years Later

9/11 is one of those moments in your life that you tuck away into your memories but when the "anniversary" comes up, your recollection of the event is as fresh as the day it happened.


I wasn't in New York when it happened.


I didn't lose anyone in the terrorist attacks that brought down the Twin Towers in New York or the plane crash into the Pentagon in Arlington, VA, or United Flight 93 that crashed into a field near Shanksville, PA.


I wasn't directly affected by 9/11 but 10 years ago when I woke up and watched live coverage of the attacks and then watched in disbelief as the second plane crashed into the South Tower, my life was affected.

I refuse to put up a pic of the Twin Towers falling. I choose to remember the NY Skyline this way.

I was 26 years old and four months pregnant with Oz and I remember sobbing in the bathroom, apologizing to my unborn son for bringing him into such an awful world. I couldn't believe what was happening in the US and I felt awful for everyone who WAS affected by the attacks.


When I woke up Big Daddy and told him what was happening, he looked at me like I had said the moon had fallen out of the sky. He was sure I was misunderstanding what was happening on the news because there was no way it could be real.

Keep reading to see why I love these guys

We watched what we could, glued to the TV while getting ready for work and when I eventually left, I searched every Edmonton radio station I could for updates on what was happening and the ONLY station I found that had continual coverage was K97.


Now if you're not an Edmontonian you probably don't realize the reputation K97 has... they're known for their inappropriate remarks, vulgar comments, objectification of women and edgy marketing campaigns. They're kind of the guy-version of MOM except they are radio and really popular :D


Listening to the somber voices of the usually goofy Terry Evans, Bill Cowan & Steve Zimmerman discuss the events and the impact of what was happening in the US, boggled my mind. I remember wondering why NO OTHER STATION felt it necessary to provide ongoing details of the attacks but these guys, these highly inappropriate DJs whom I had always rolled my eyes at, were serious and kept me informed.


I literally (and I mean just-now-as-I'm-writing-this-post-and-got-to-this-paragraph literally) was discussing my recollection of 9/11 with Terry via Twitter when he told me what was going on in the studio that day.


"I remember being so confused when the 2nd plane hit...that was Steve's 40th birthday. We had strippers outside studio door ready.


"There was whipped cream and cherries and all kinds of shit ready to go.


"Sudden left turn. Strippers went home."


See, it didn't matter what was happening in your life at that moment or if your personality  wasn't warm and fuzzy. If you had an ounce of humanity or selflessness, 9/11 brought it out for the world to see. 

You didn't have to be in New York to be affected by 9/11. It was like a tsunami effect; the tragic events in the States were felt by all of humanity, and the outpouring of compassion and empathy was reassuring that the entire world hadn't gone to shit.


For that one event, that one tragedy that will forever be ingrained in the memories of those who were alive to witness it, changed so many things for so many people. 


However, life goes on; people have to move forward but that doesn't mean we forget what happened that day or where we were when it happened or how it affected us and to what degree.


Sept. 11 is and always will be one of those days that will mark a black day in the history of the world, one that no one can ignore or should ever forget.


I know I never will.


t.

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be haters

I've always had issues with societies idea of beauty and weight, even when I was at my most fit (right before I got pregnant with Lola, and let me tell you I was bangin' hot, sexy fit!) up until now when I've gone through a few of the worst years of my life and am at my heaviest (soooo not me but I am getting back to healthy although I will NEVER give up my wine or coffee).


Lately I've been watching the comments on twitter made about starlet Demi Levato, who I really know nothing about other than she's young, recently went to rehab for an eating disorder that she battled since childhood, depression (she was diagnosed as bipolar) and cutting (she was photographed a couple of years ago with scars on her wrists, something she hid from her parents). 


In April, Demi gave a full interview on 20/20, opening up about her life and the struggles she faced as a child star, being called fat and how it led to the eating disorder. 

Last weekend at the Much Music VMA's, Demi was photographed on the red carped with her friend Selena Gomez. 

And then the twitter backlash started.

Tweets from all over calling her fat. 

In a classy move stemming from an obviously new mindset, Demi's only comment to the public was:  

Guess what, I'm healthy and happy, and if you're hating on my weight you obviously aren't. :) #UNBROKEN

Now I realize how easy it is to judge people and hide behind the anonymity of twitter or facebook or a blog but the reality is parents can no longer be allowed to raise hateful, spiteful kids. 

I have a daughter who is 5 years old and I will not allow her to grow up with an unhealthy body image or thinking that having curves is wrong. Right now Lola is a string bean but I have a sneaking suspicion she will take after me with boobs, hips and a butt, and I don't want her thinking she's "fat" because she is blessed with curves.

My mom used to refer to Twiggy and other models as the "ideal" body type and I was always self-conscious of my curves but I was never overweight (until the last few years). It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I embraced every fabulous inch of my curvalicious body that I became comfortable in my own skin, and I don't want that for Lola. I want her to be healthy, happy and grateful for what she has not for her to look at other girls and wish she had their body type.

Parents are responsible for changing the mentality that is "acceptable" in society and we can't let our kids (boys OR girls) think it's OK to make fun of someone based on their weight. 

Parents tend to pass down their own belief systems to their kids whether it's politcs, religion, lifestyle habits or whatever but we also pass down our insecurities, our way of treating other people and other life lessons intentionally or not.

Show don't tell

I learned a great lesson when I studied Journalism in college from a brilliant prof who shaped my thinking in a lot of things I do today but the one thing I took with me into life was the lesson "Show, don't tell."

Great lesson for a writer but a FANTASTIC lesson to learn as a human being.

If you're a mom who obsesses about your weight, your kids will pick that up whether or not you actually complain about your weight around them or obsess about it just through your actions.

If you're the mom who watches Entertainment Tonight and your kids are in the room but they hear you make snide comments about Ke$ha's hair or Lady Gaga's nose or Anna's gap between her front teeth or that Angelina is WAY too skinny but Demi has pudged up... think about what you're teaching your kids.

Here's how: 

• Don't teach your kid to diet, teach them to make healthy choices.
  
• Instead of focusing on your worst physical traits, focus on emphasizing your BEST assets.
  
• When your daughter sees you put on makeup, remind them that makeup does NOT make you beautiful then go over the things that truly make her beautiful (she's kind, she's generous, she's thoughtful, she's intelligent, she's funny, etc)
  
• Find something good about everyone and point it out rather than pointing out their flaws. I'm in awe of Lola because everywhere we go she will go up to at least one stranger (with my permission of course) and tell them something she likes about them; their hair, their dress, their smile, etc). 

Kids are extensions of ourselves, we may as well make them BETTER versions of ourselves. We have the power to shape their mindsets when they are young, why shape them into some negative, disrespectful little bully who feels better about themselves when they belittle others?

Body shapes aren't a one-size fits all

 

This generation of MOMs has a REAL opportunity to change a lot of the traditional stereotypes by changing the way our kids perceive the world and how they treat others.

No one is perfect and we all have our moments but overall we need to really make some serious changes with the way people think and it starts within our own homes.

Body shapes aren't a one-size-fits-all. 

Cheers!

t.

Toxic People

I am a firm believer in cutting toxic people and relationships out of your life.

I've done it more times than I can count because I learned at an early age that not everyone BELONGS OR DESERVES to be a part of your life. 

Consider this. If you had a tumour you would remove it, yes?

So why keep someone or something in your life that continually brings negative energy to it? Why hand someone that power? Why allow anyone or anything to contribute drama or sadness or grief when there are enough times in your life you will have to deal with REAL grief or sadness? 

A few years back I made the decision to remove my mom from my life completely. It was something I should have done years sooner but it took a lot of healing on my part to become strong enough to do it. It was only when I had Lola that I realized the type of influence I wanted in my daughter's life and I made the decision to fully cut ties with my mom. I had already kept Oz away from her but it never really hit me how toxic she was until my littlest soul came into my life. 

I love my mom, I do, but she is toxic and will never change. She is also very weak and that isn't something I tolerate nor do I want my daughter seeing that type of female influence because my daughter will never grow up the way I did; surrounded by toxic people.

There have also been times that I have removed friends from my life and other times when I have been cut out of someone's life because I was toxic (I'm not perfect, I know that but when I'm good, I'm fuckin' awesome!).

I have a friend (of a friend of a friend of a friend) who is strong, smart and extremely passionate about what she does for a living BUT she constantly allows her so-called BFF (and even some family members) to contribute negativity to her life. 

I can't wrap my teensy brain around that concept and have TOLD her multiple times to grow a backbone and  stop taking their shit but for years she has continued to make excuses  tell me that her BFF had a tough life and doesn't know how her actions affect others and that she has good qualities and blah fuckin' blah blah blah! 

*smack*

I've seen my girlfriend cry over some shit this supposed BFF has said to her, I've had loooooong text conversations with her, consoling her after this BFF had screaming fit on the phone with her... I've seen a lot and it makes me not only wanna go all inner-city Scorpio on that girl's ass but it frustrates me that my girlfriend ALLOWS herself to be treated that way.

Why is that? 

And when is enough, enough? 

What does it take for you to realize YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS. It's not something that only the "beautiful" people deserve, it's something YOU deserve right now; not tomorrow, not when you lost 40 pounds, not when someone else SAYS you deserve it but RIGHT NOW! 

And if that means ending a friendship with someone who constantly reminds you that your house is always messy or that "you really should do something about your hair" or makes snide comments about your life in any way that makes YOU feel bad, then consider the tumour. Is it life-threatening or is it malign? Is it something you want to take a chance that will spread and get worse and years from now all of the negative comments and toxic energy has built up so badly that you end up cutting them out of your life anyway? 

Not everyone who comes into your life has to stay there forever. If that were the case you and your kindergarten BFF would still be friends. 

And like my good friend Stephen King says, "People come in and out of our lives like busboys in a restaurant."

And that's OK.

xxx

t.

Brand New Bitch

I love music and quite often a certain will come into my life when I need it most, sort of like when I was going through the depression after my granpa's death, and Eminem's Recovery CD came out. 


Last week I was listening to the radio, something I rarely do, and heard Anjulie's new song "Brand New Bitch," this generations version of Alanis Morisette's, "You Oughtta Know" but less... angry at him and more "I back and better off with out you" kind of song.


Now before you go questioning anything, NO I don't relate to this song as a break up song (Big Daddy and I are quite all right, thank you) but I love the visual Anjulie gives of how she is badass, sexy, free and moving forward. 


So for me, I get something different than what a heartbroken 21-year-old might get but you know this could be every single woman's anthem no matter what age you are.

My face to the sky, 

sunglasses on

Turnin’ up the beat so sick I’m like a brand new bitch

Don’t need a rescue, 

it’s all good

Baby, I been hittin’ my stride, hittin’ my stride 

I got my red lipstick on, engine’s revving

I relate to those lyrics because I FEEL STRONG! Stronger than I have in 2 years and it feels pretty fuckin good. I feel like my old self again and it's taken SO long to get here. I've even made some lifestyle changes and am getting back to fighting form so this time next year I will look on the outside the way I feel on the inside.


I love empowering songs and Brand New Bitch is REALLY damn good; good beat, make-no-apology lyrics, and a GREAT workout song!


Give it a listen. Oh yeh, Anjulie is Canadian, too. More proof that Canadian women really DO kick ass! Good girl Anjulie!


Cheers!
t.

The art of being self-aware

I swear. 


A lot.


I know, I know, you're falling off your chair in shock at that little revelation but if there is one thing I am, it's self-aware. 


I can list all of my characteristics, good and bad, and am always working to make those so-called "bad traits" better. 


In no particular order, the bad:

• I swear (even around my kids, I don't censor myself. Much).


• I'm stubborn (not as bad as I was when I was 20 but if I believe STRONGLY in something I will fight you to the death to prove my point)


• There is no such thing as half-assin' it (I am extreme in every thing I do. Work, play, everything. I go balls-to-the-wall or I don't go at all).


• If I'm indifferent to you it means I don't care at all about you either to love you or hate you and THAT is the worst emotion you can evoke from me


• I will drop the gloves and throw down if I feel I've been wronged or if someone I care about has been hurt.


• I will be inappropriate at the most inappropriate times. Yes, yes I will tell dirty jokes around my mother in law and I will say comments just to make you blush (and hopefully laugh). 

The good 

• I am feisty, playful and love life. It's sometimes triggers people who are less likely to have that quality and who take life seriously. But you know what? I don't care. Life is too short to take it so seriously. There is enough serious shit in this world to stress out about and if I can  BE happy than I WILL be happy.


• I am fiercely loyal to the people I love. If I love you, I will tell you. On the flip side if I hate you, you will know it too.


• "Don't talk to me about rules, dear. Wherever I stay I make the goddamn rules" Maria Callas Exactly. I look at things differently than most people and it took me a LONG time to see that I don't have to act the way people think I should act or talk the way other people deem appropriate. I make no apologies for who I am because I AM living up to my authentic standards.


• Compassion is second-nature to me believe it or not. I am very empathetic but I don't coddle those who play the victim card.

Over the past 2 years I've been practicing a lot of meditation and more recently been following the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success which have REALLY helped me let go of a lot of anger and rage issues I have had (I know, another shocking revelation, I'm sure). 


Today is Wednesday and it's the The Law of Least Effort: Accept people, situations, and events as they occur. Take responsibility for your situation and for all events seen as problems. Relinquish the need to defend your point of view.


Do you know how hard that is? Seriously. I'm a bit of a control freak   ... yes I get it, you're shocked at my honesty... so relinquishing the need to defend my point of view or myself is a tough one. 


I have learned to embrace all of my traits because they make me who I am. Do I have to be the mom who swears all the time? No I don't HAVE to be anything I don't want to be. But do I apologize for swearing? 


Fuck no.


I'm self-aware enough to know it's just another facet of my charming personality so love me or hate me, I'm not changing who my authentic self for anyone. 


I happen to like me.


Cheers!
t.


PS. How self-aware are YOU!?