Lately, songs have been coming into my life with messages when I need them the most.
It's no secret my self-esteem has taken a brutal beating over the past year but I am slowly reclaiming it and getting back to my former confident and badass self.
When I first heard Pink's "Fuckin' Perfect" on the radio, I started tearing up because hearing this, "If you ever, ever feel like your nothing you're fuckin' perfect to me," hit home.
I haven't felt GOOD about myself for so long and it fuckin SUCKS.
I've never seen Pink's video before this morning and the only reason I watched it was that I had been sending the link to my friends letting them know I thought THEY were fuckin' perfect.
For some reason, today I pressed play and by the end of the video I was bawling.
I look at Lola and think of how special and beautiful she is and I am that mom at the end of the video who goes into her daughter's room and (omg I can't stop crying what the FUCK is wrong with me????) UGH just watch the video. Anyway, yah, I relate to it.
I relate to it because that young girl was so emotionally-starved and damaged but she was able to grasp onto something which pulled her out of the darkness. And she did it herself.
I also believe that on some level EVERY woman can relate to this video. If for no other reason than to be told that someone thinks you're fuckin' perfect.
And for the record, hell to the YES Big Daddy is that smokin hot guy with his arms her at the end of the vid ;)
When I look at Lola I never want her to feel less than perfect.
One of "our songs" is Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are" which we sing at least once a day. I want Lola to find someone who feels this way about her and tells her every day how she is PERFECT the way she is and loves her for who she is.
When she was 3 years old, she looked at me as I was putting on makeup and said, "Mommy, I want to wear makeup too, makeup makes you beautiful."
I was horrified because I never wanted her to associate beauty with cosmetic beauty.
"Uhm, no Lola, makeup does NOT make you pretty," I told her. "You know what makes you beautiful? Your heart, your soul, and your brain. You are beautiful because you are funny, smart, thoughtful, goofy, sweet, kind, helpful... those are the things that make you beautiful. Makeup can make you FEEL beautiful but I promise you it does not make you beautiful."
Every day since then, we have talked about what makes her beautiful and at 5 years old she has learned not to associate beauty with the physical. She likes to dress up to FEEL pretty but now knows what truly makes her beautiful.
And what I love most about Lola is that she is so complimentary; it comes naturally to her. She will find something nice to say to someone whether it's complimenting them on their clothes or their hair but she always wants to make other people feel good about themselves.
I often think she was brought to me to help heal my own spirit because having a daughter has made me so much more in touch with my emotions than I ever WANTED to be.
In fact, I never wanted a girl, ever because I never got along with girls. I was always hanging out with the guys and could relate more to men. But I always said if I DID get stuck with a girl she had to have dark hair, green eyes, be a Scorpio and be born in November so I would at least be able to understand her personality considering I'm a Scorpio and would understand all of her
Lo and behold, when I had sworn up and DOWN Oz was my one and only kid, she showed up positive on a pregnancy test when I hadn't even missed a period. I just knew. And it was a week before a Vegas trip no less so I knew she was trouble from the beginning.
And you know what? Ask the universe for something and it delivers because 9 months later she showed up with a head full of black hair, green eyes on Nov. 1, 2005.
My green-eyed little Scorpio who has taught me so much about what real beauty means and forced me to heal my spirit if for no other reason than to teach her that she is fuckin perfect JUST the way she is.