Friday, November 25, 2011

*smiling sweetly*

How are you? Really?

Have you ever

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

37 Things

T'was the night before my birthday
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring

Oh, fuck, don't get me started on mice.

Tomorrow I turn into a deliciously sexy 37 year old, and I'd like to think I've matured somewhat like the fine wine I like to drink but I'm more likely to be compared to that cheap second bottle I dip into on the nights when one just won't do.

I like to look at each birthday as a gift; the mere fact that I get to SEE 37 years on this earth means that I haven't somehow fucked up my life enough for it to end in some horrific and somewhat embarrassing headline in the Edmonton Journal.

Not that I haven't tempted fate enough, mind you.

I've made stupid choices, drank more wine than most would admit to without checking into rehab, and have the battle scars to prove I've been through more depression, anger, loss, and self-hate to know that being on THIS side of that shit is a much happier place.

When my mom was 36, we celebrated my 18th birthday at the Cromdale (which just got the nod for demolition *happy birthday to ME*), and now that I am a year older than she was when I was 18, it makes me see how truly blessed I am to be turning 37 and have the life that I have.

My life, however, is not without it's faults but I will tell you 37 things I am grateful for now that I am on the verge of turning 37.

37) My life. All of it. The hurt, the abuse, the sadness, the anger, the joy, the tears, the laughter, the loves, the losses, the friends, the enemies, the jobs, the travels, the successes, the failures, the memories. All of it made me who I am at this very moment and I like who I am.

36) My grandparents. They were such an integral part of my life and an integral part of who I am. I lived with them in Kuwait the year I turned 9 and I believe it changed the direction of my life. That year I learned to speak Arabic, studied Islam, was exposed to other cultures and experienced life outside of the inner city in Edmonton. It was a defining moment in my life, one I will always be grateful for.

35) The day I got hired at the Kelowna Daily Courier. I will never forget it. The year before my boyfriend, who lived in Toronto, died and I was unable to attend the funeral. For the entire year I was in a funk. I had no one to talk to, no one who understood what it was like to lose someone like that. Close to the one year anniversary of his death, which was days after my 21st birthday, I started thinking about things I wanted to do with my life so I researched newspapers I wanted to work at. The Okanagan Sun looked like a cool paper so I called them up and asked for a job. They flew me down for an interview and said they would contact me in a couple of weeks so I returned home but my thoughts went to my boyfriend's mom. I called her up and asked if I could come and see her (I never made it to the funeral because it was held Grey Cup weekend in Toronto and the Edmonton Eskimos were playing the Argos. Talk about the Universe keeping me from going, there were no flights available at all). Long story short, I went to Toronto and met his mom. It was one of the most spiritual experiences I ever had. Upon returning home I had a friend pick me up at the airport. I begged him to let me stop at his apartment and call my messages (pre-cellphone days). We did and that was the moment I got the message that I got the job as a sports scribe at the daily paper in Kelowna. It was one chapter of my life closing while the next one began.

Tara. She has the most gorgeous eyes

34) Tara. She's my girlfriend that I knew in Grade 5. We were best friends back then. I used to write stories about us in the form of Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson, myself, of course being Sherlock Holmes. We lost touch after I moved back to the innercity but she kept popping up at random times throughout my life. Our friendship was meant to be. We have since rekindled that kindred spirit and are still best friends who get  each other in a way no one else does.
Teresa. She has the most beautiful smile

33) Teresa. She's the girl who's boyfriend I dated in High School (after they broke up of course). We became best friends after High School, terrorizing the Edmonton bar scene with our skanky outfits and slutty ways that only two soul mates can understand. We were young, independent, sassy and not so classy but she understood me more than anyone else in the world did. She was there for me when my Granma passed away and probably saved my life more times than even she knows. Our "thing" was The Outsiders and to this day she still calls me "Dally" because I used to tell her, "You get tough and you don't get hurt." I still love her more than she knows.

Karissa. She is as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside

32) Karissa. This bitch is smug, arrogant, highly intelligent, and the kindest soul you will ever meet. I met Karissa when I published our first issue of MOM Magazine and we developed a friendship that has withstood more than I thought I deserved in any friendship over the past 5 years. She's the girl who has your back. She is the first one to stand up and offer help when I need it and she's the first one to call me on my bullshit (and live to tell the tale). Her compassion and tolerance for people is beyond what I can put up with but she is truly one of my best friends. And I know she LOVES it when I pinch her nipples in public. Aw yeh, yeh she does! Ask her. She's on Twitter.

Wendy and my boyfriend her husband. She glows! 

31) Wendy. There are some people who come into your life when you least expect them but need them the most. Wendy is that girl for me. Weird connection but she's the wife of the (hot) guy who used to be my print rep before I went on "hiatus" with MOM. We met once at MOM's First-Ever Foresome and didn't reconnect for about two years. But when we did it was like seeing an old friend I hadn't seen in forever. Wendy and I are connected by the Red String of Fate, I truly believe that. I believe that of Tara, Teresa and Karissa too but Wendy came into my life when I was at my darkest and has never left my side. As a true Scorpio, I'm loyal to a fault and poor Wendy is stuck with me forever.

30) When I turned 30, I threw myself a little soiree at our place and my granpa came over to help me celebrate. He brought me some crazy little Beanie Baby and wrote "To Stinker love Granpa." I still have that Beanie baby and smile at the memory of him being here with me to celebrate 7 years ago.

Karen. I love hugging her and telling her I love her because she used to be so uncomfortable with it but now she likes it :D And she's so pretty!

29) Karen. I remember meeting Karen the year after I launched MOM. She is an Edmonton Morning Radio personality/celebrity (even though she is quite shy and reserved in real life and backs away from the spotlight) and I was awe-struck by the fact that she was JAMIE HENDRIX!  If you know Edmonton radio at all, you will remember the morning show on 100.3 The Bear when it was AWESOME and had Cubb Carson, Sled Dog and Jamie Hendrix. She was SO freakin' cool then so meeting her was like meeting a local celeb. We bonded over our mutual lust for hockey hottie Sheldon Souray and have maintained a supportive friendship that will last a lifetime.

SherryLynn. She SPARKLES!

28) SherryLynn. Before I launched MOM, I had decided to do something fun so I became a Passion Parties consultant. SherryLynn was a consultant too and I honestly didn't think she liked me much. Fast-forward six years and we met again but this time we became fast friends. AND we share a birthday (Happy Birthday SherryLynn!) She's the most mature, down-to-earth, kickass chick I know and her signature "Sparkle" makes me smile every time I think of her!

27) My first boyfriend. He was Teresa's boyfriend (see #33) and we dated after high school. His mom hated me (I'm now seeing a pattern with guys and their moms, FML) and told me that I was ruining her son's life. Huh. I actually think I've heard THAT before too. At any rate, he's still working at the same gas station he was when he dumped me for some other skanky slut girl and I'm all happily-ever-after and shit with Big Daddy. Still, I did learn SO many things from him and for that, I'm grateful.

26) The diary I just found from when I was 19 years old. Yeh. THAT was a trip back in time not so much. I had all kinds of secrets in there from my first one-night-stand (don't judge, it was AWESOME not so much) to my declaration of love for yet another one-night-stand (yep, I was a slut, what?) to the very last line in the last page of my diary dedicating it to my daughter and for her to learn from my mistakes. Who knew I'd have Lola?

The Great &Powerful Oz

25) Oscar. I was 27 when I had my little ginger firecracker. The great and powerful Oz was so meant to be. I remember leaving Big Daddy's parent's place one day in May 2001 and telling him, "We need to have a baby." He looked at me confused and said, "Well... OK." Bada bing bada boom, kid was born 10 months later. It's like I FELT his soul enter mine. Another Red String connection. Oz came to my life to teach me compassion, patience, calm and gentleness, and he's the most kindest soul you will ever meet. He is nothing like me or Big Daddy yet everything about him IS like us except better.

24) Marrying Big Daddy. *sigh* I always said it would be a cold day in hell if I ever got married but BOO to the hell YAH I got married anyway. Granted, it was -26C and literally 3 weeks after we found out we were the winners of the A-Channel's Big Breakfast (now CityTV's Breakfast Television) wedding extravaganza! It included EVERYTHING: Decor, wedding dress, rings, event planner, location, reception, honey moon to the Dominican and SO much more). I remember Teresa (see #33) telling me she overheard an A-Channel employee saying they gave our marriage 6 months before it ended, and thinking, "Imma show that biatch"... well. It will be 12 years in January, together for 13 on Dec. 29. How's that for "Suck my dick, I'm still married!"

A pic of me and Ron taken on the night we met. See? PINK SHIRT!! 

24)  I was 24 when I met Big Daddy and  the short version of this story goes...I was working in Kelowna (see #35) when I decided to come back to Edmonton and hang with my cousin and his wife for New Years. In walks Big Daddy wearing a PINK (to this day he swears it's red & white) shirt; I was forever smitten. OK, well...honestly, he was suppose to be a one-night stand (see #27). But I looked passed all the cuddly crap and haven't looked back since. Except when I'm looking at my Mancandy boyfriends on TV like Jensen Ackles or LL Cool J.

Squeeeee! One of my boyfriends, Jensen Ackles from TV's Supernatural *giggle*

22) The press box at the Oilers games. See, once upon a time I was a sports writer, determined to be the best damned sports scribe in the business. NHL Hockey Hall of Fame sportswriter Jim Matheson once told me that I was a better writer at 20 than he was at that age. Oh hell yeh, I was so going places! But I gave it up and don't regret it although I can't watch hockey anymore with out feeling some remorse and sadness knowing that I could have been superbad awesome! Oh well, at least I know I was good and those times in the press box are memories I will always cherish.

21) Parkdale Elementary/Jr. High. I spent my Grades 7-9 years at this inner city school not realizing then what an impact it would have on my throughout my life. The school recently closed right before it's 100th year and when I went back to have a peek around, it was still as haunted as I remembered it. My friends who were with me throughout those years - Dawna, Kat, Cornelia, Lisa & Bernice - have no idea how they saved me. Those were the years when the sexual abuse started, it's when I became an older sister to my little brother Joe, it's when my favourite uncle Darrell died (he was a Scorpio too and had two jailbird tats of Scorpions done on his hands: one for me and one for him), it's when I started to develop the shell I built to protect myself from the stuff I still see if I let myself. Those friends... yeh. It's like the last line in the movie Stand By Me: "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12 - Jesus, does anyone?"

My friends in junior high (no, I'm not in this pic)

 Wow, I've kind of given y'all TMI about me. The Top 20 things won't be nearly as heavy! My Scorpion tat. So to mark my 21st birthday I tore a page out of the Cosmopolitan's Bedside Astrology Guide and had the image tattooed on my back. The next year I got my initials TLC tattooed underneath that Scorpion. I am a true Scorpion: feisty, hot headed, impatient, loyal, passionate, and not one to fuck with.

19) Coffee. If you know me at ALL you know I love my coffee.

18) Wine. Yup. Tis my thing. Love to swallow, I never spit.

17) Jersey Shore. My Guilty little pleasure! Makes me feel better about my own misspent 20s. And thankful as FUCK that reality TV or Youtube wasn't around back then!

16) Tony Soprano and Dexter. For some reason I relate to them. Yup. Guess I'm a sociopath on some level LOL

15) Debra Morgan and Masuka. DAMN! If they had a kid, it would be me! Swearing like a motherfucker, talkin' about the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. *tweaking your nipples* What?

Deb Morgan (Jennifer Carpenter) from Dexter. We are SO much alike, I mean, look at her body, doode! It's like looking in a mirror. HA!

14) Anjulie. Cuz I'm like a Brand New Bitch!

13) Eminem. Because I can totally relate to him. And he's my boyfriend. (back off Karissa, I will smack you DOWN!)

12) Michael Buble. He personally wished me a happy birthday! With a kiss and EVERYTHING! And he offered me wine! See...
OK so this pic was in a book I got for my birthday (and yeh, I am now finishing this blog ON my actualy birthday) BUT I think he was THINKING of me when this picture was taken. Right? Exactly.

11) Wine. Did I mention wine? Yeh I'm mentioning it again because I love it. A lot.

10) West Edmonton Mall. Seriously, when they took the title sponsorship for the FIERCE Awards, I almost DIED! But instead, I did a vlog :D omg I look AWFUL in this. Whatevs.

9) Jasper Park Lodge. I love that place. I love the people who work there. I love the experiences I've had there. I love love LOVE everything about the JPL. If you haven't been, go. Seriously. Christmas in November... bucket list!

8) My Zen bubble. I meditate a lot and believe that the universe will always give me what I need, even if it's not what I want. Embracing my spiritual side has been the best thing I've ever done. I've grown so much over the past 10 years, more so in the last two but I credit most of it to allowing myself to be spiritual. 

7) Twitter. Yup. I love my twits. If you're a twit, I love you too. Unless you're one of those crusty bitch twits. Then I'm just indifferent to you. Twitter has been SO much fun over the past 2 1/2 years and I love all of the online relationships that I've made during that time.

6) Sharon, Erica, Maria, Kathy, Kelli, Cheri-Lynn, Nataleeeeeee, Duri, Laurie, Laurel, Leslie and all of my OTHER cool friends that I met on twitter who live out east. I really like these girls (and Duri). Grateful to have them in my life :D

My Lola!! 

5) Lola. Now this isn't a favourite kid thing, it's a "She just turned 6 but I still think of her as 5, is that weird?" thing. Lola is my littlest soulmate. I am in awe of her, truly. I always said that if I ever had a girl she had to be born with dark hair, green eyes, be born in November and be a Scorpio. Voila! The universe gave me my little green-eyed mini-me, proof that the universe DOES listen and give you what you need. I so need this little girl. She has taught me so much about myself and I could gush all day about how amazing she is.

4) Lash Extensions! I've become SO girly over the past year, even Big Daddy called me on it! Lash extensions make my already beeeeeeeautiful eyes even much more so! I call them my Snufalupagus lashes because they're so long and pretty! Flirt Eyelashes in Edmonton... $65 a set. MOM Approved.

3) FIERCE. The Awards were beyond anything I could have hoped for and I am looking forward to building on the momentum I have created. I am usually pretty humble about taking credit for what I do but FIERCE... yeh... I DID THAT! And I am SO proud of it!

2) MOM. The past almost 5 years of MOM have been great and truly a lesson in so many ways. I've met some inspiring and empowering women because of MOM and have grown into a better person because of this magazine. 

1) Big Daddy. He knows all of my darkness and for some twisted reason still loves me. I may not show him every day just how truly grateful I am for him, but I am. Working on that whole "being nice" to him, too :D Now if only he would take out the goddamn garbage without it being a fight! Oh, I do love that man!! 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A pain in the ass

I've been with Big Daddy for almost 13 years now and married for 12. I know, I'm a saint; if you wish to express your condolences, send wine in lieu of flowers.

Carrying on... my point is that in those 13 years that Big Daddy has put up with my shit stuck with me through thick and thin (literally HA!), he has taken great pleasure in commenting on my wine consumption. 

Yeh. I drink a lot of wine. I love it. What?

My smart ass retort to his smart ass comment is, "I'll curb the wine intake when you get a finger up your ass and get your prostate checked."

The big guy is now 42. And he STILL hasn't gone for a prostate exam.

I'm not gonna lie, there's some sick and twisted satisfaction I will get when he finally goes for this exam, mainly because of all the shit I had to endure giving birth and suffering the affects AFTER having kids.

Novemeber is "Movember" month and I'm not big on jumping on bandwagon causes because there's something new every month BUT I have this thing about Big Daddy's potential death from causes other than me. 

I want him to get it checked. I've been a pain in his ass for almost 13 years... what's a finger from the doctor gonna hurt? A hell of a lot more if he doesn't get it checked, let me tell you. 

Talking about things that are out of our comfort zone, and making taboo conversations a little less awkward is kind of my specialty. 

So let's talk about prostate cancer. Finger up the butt, early detection, save a life.

We give birth, what the hell should be so embarrassing or uncomfortable for a guy to drop trow in a doctor's office and get a cancer check? 

Send the guy in your life to get tested. 

I said so.