Happy Holidays... I'm fakin' it this year

I cannot seem to feel good about the holidays this year. It's sad because it truly is my favourite holiday but this year... I have little Christmas spirit.

This weekend, my granpa was told he has cancer. The found it on his liver and it isn't the main source of the cancer so that means it has spread. He's dying, plain and simple.

We all are dying, I know, but I feel like I've aged about 10 years in the last week. The weight of having to deal with a parent's imminent death is horrible.

He's my granpa, not my dad I know, but you see, we have each other and that's about it as far as family goes. I have always been close to my grandparents. Always. In fact, if it weren't for them, I would not have made it through an otherwise shitty childhood.

I don't talk to my mom and he isn't close with anyone else. He is my step-grandfather, it's complicated but he's been there since I was born so he's my granpa. Simple as that.

Anyway, because my "family" is so messed up, I have leaned on and counted on my grandparents for life lessons, strength and guidance. When my grandma died, I was only 19 years old. Her and I shared a studio bedroom apartment in Edmonton, before she died of lung cancer.

My grandfather was devastated when she died, obviously because she was the love of his life. It was then that we developed a ridiculously strong relationship based on our love and passion for hockey.

I know, right!? Weird. But we had always battled about our Oilers/Flames love/hate relationship. He's from Calgary and likes to bug me about the Oilers while I'm an Edmonton girl and love to rub it in his face about our 5 Stanley Cups. It's how we bond.

My granpa flew in from Kuwait to walk me down the aisle when I got married (did I mention he lived/worked there for 20 years? Yah, that's another blog).

When I got a job at a daily paper as a sports scribe, he flew home to make sure I was doing OK and let me know how proud he was of me.

When I had Oscar, he came home to meet him. Oz is named after Big Daddy's granpa but his middle name is my grandfather's.

I haven't seen my granpa as much as I should have in the past couple of years... life gets in the way. But I always think about him.

I was at the hospital this afternoon and the doctor told me I should find out what his "code status" is in case it's needed.

Do you know what a code status is? It's a DNR - Do Not Resuscitate. So you either are a thumbs up or a thumbs down.

How the hell do I approach that? I don't like asking these questions and I sure as shit don't want to talk about him dying. He's depressed enough.

So I said, "Granpa, I have to ask you a question."

"Ok, dear."

"Uhm, well, you know if you go flatline, do you want the doctors to try and save you?"

Fuck. Tactful as all hell, aren't I?

He just looked away and said, "Well at that point I won't care, now will I?"

Then he started talking about the Oilers. Because he's scared of dying, I'm sure. When I'm talking to him, I maintain a pretty calm, cool and witty composure because I don't want to stress him out.

But he started talking about his will and personal papers and things I just don't want to hear about. Ignorance is bliss, right? If I don't know then it's not real.

I had to leave. I couldn't sit there and discuss it with him. It's too painful.

So I left but he called me as I was driving home and asked me to bring him a notepad. That there were some things he wanted to get on paper.

So, here I sit. Blogging instead of getting in the truck and driving. I'm stalling because I just don't want to go back today.

I am truly struggling with how to put on a chipper facade for my kids over the next few days. I guess I just have to focus on the moment with them this Christmas and block everything else out.

Think I'll look up one of the Cocktail Deeva's recipes and fix me a pitcher of somethin' for when I get home. There's sure to be some holiday joy in there!! ;)

xoxo

t.

Love for the Twits

If you're on Twitter, you know all about the #ff or Follow Fridays. It's how you high-five your fellow twits and build your community of followers. I personally like to call them Twits because followers makes it sound like I'm some sort of cult leader ... plus I don't believe anyone should "follow" someone. Always be a leader!

Ahem. I digress.

Today, I have decided to steal the idea of @InspiredCoach of blogging my Top 5 Twits of the week. She mentioned me last week because I'm so damn awesome, and this week, I reciprocate to her because she friggin' ROCKS!! Add her to your Twitter community.

#5: @Optimom She gets it!! She preaches and teaches the value of putting yourself FIRST, above the kids, above the hubby, above everyone because you can't take care of anyone if you are struggling to take care of yourself. Personally, I think she stole this idea from me because, you know, that's how she rolls... she mischievous that way. And she says stuff like "Sweet Niblets!" when she really means "Ass Hat."

#4 @TassimoCanada If you love coffee,, you NEED to have this coffee brewing system. FYI MOM is giving one away next week so be sure to enter our contest!! I blog about coffee. I tweet about coffee. No one loves coffee more than I do, and finding this coffee system was like finding Big Daddy. Except I never thought my love affair with the Tassimo would be just a one-night thing, where as Big Daddy was suppose to be. 11 years later I figure Big Daddy might just be a permanent fixture. But I still have a love affair with my Tassimo. So there.

#3 @TBSonK97 The K-Rock morning show is raunchy. And according to the Terry, Bill and Steve show on K97, MOM is worse than they are. *blush* we're honoured that they would give us such a compliment. We love Terry, Bill & Steve. They make us laugh, they make us cringe and they make us feel pretty damn good about ourselves because we know we could never, ever be as badass as they are. HA! I wrote that with a straight face!!

#2 @SalesDiva For all you FIERCE women in business, you need to know Kim Duke. She will give you the tools you need to take your business to the next level. She's the sassy sales diva who gives you tips, points you in the direction of the experts, sends you newsletters full of useful information and gives you the kick in the ass you need!

#1 @BigDaddySaid well who else did you think would be #1 in my world?? Big Daddy is funny. And brilliant. And only smart people get his sense of humour. If you like to be entertained and engage in witty, intelligent banter, I highly recommend him. And if you prefer the opposite, feel free to follow me.

#thatisall

t.

Tasteless... or so we've been called

Yup, people luuuurve to bitch about us.

And this time it seems we've offended a Stony Plain pastor.

There was a message at our office to call him so he could tell me why he thinks the magazine is "in poor taste."

Promptly following that little gem was a message from the Spruce Grove Second Cup owner asking me not to leave magazines there anymore due to "complaints" from customers.

Coincidence? I think not.

At first, I just shook my head and brushed off the messages because I can't waste time addressing complaints that have no merit. People complain all the time about the magazine but unless it's constructive criticism, I tend to ignore it.

And then I thought about it and got pissed off.

What the hell, doode!? I thought religious people weren't suppose to judge... lest ye be judged and all that.

I really thought this was a pretty tame issue. Sure, we like to raise some eyebrows but we never intend to offend anyone with our content.

I almost decided to call him back but realized there would be nothing I could say to appease him or Second Cup. MOM is what it is - edgy, fun, brash and sassy. We dare to go where no "mommy magazine" has dared to go before.

Our content has been shocking people since we launched and there is really nothing that shocking about what's between our covers.

If your mind goes to the gutter, that's your issue, not ours.

If you get your thong in a knot because we swear, too damn bad, because I'm going to keep doing it.

If you can't take the heat then stay outta my motherlovin' kitchen!

Or feel free to keep pickin' us up so you can bitch about us.

Hey, at least I know you're reading it.

And don't worry, I know there's a special place for me and my badass attitude. It's right there along with the 1,000s of readers we have and an open bar.

Now go and be one with your self-righteousness.

Namaste.

Dear Diary, I'm not gonna bitch about the weather I've got other things on my mind...

Edmonton is in a cold snap - Friday, we were the coldest place in North America and the 2nd coldest place in the world, trailing Siberia...

Yes it's cold. Quit your damn bitchin' already.

It has been a hell of a month.

Hell being the operative word.

I plan too much and since there is only one of me, I burn out. It happens. Magazine planning, production, design, sales, writing, art direction with the photo shoots, the trip to Ottawa, working on the website, updating the Facebook group, designing media kits and sponsorship packages for the Shopping Soiree, planning the Shopping Soiree, working an 11-hour day of the event, distribution of the magazine...

And the cycle continues.

Granted I won't be going to Ottawa next month but there is always something going on ... like out FIERCE Women of the Year inaugural gala in April. Event planning, finding sponsors, putting it all together...

Fuck. WHY do I do this??

Really? I'm asking you. Because I'm at the end of a rapidly fraying rope and ready to hang myself with whatever is left.

My grandfather is in the hospital. I took him there last week, the Sunday after I got back from Ottawa.

He is so weak and ill. He is 6'2 and weighs 138 pounds. He has wasted away to skin and bones, suffers from Osteo-arthritis, can barely move and is in constant pain.

He is literally the only family member I am close to. Him and my grandma were the only one who has always been there for me. My grandma dies 15 years ago and my granpa has never recovered. He misses her terribly.

I was suppose to be out distributing the magazines today but I got a call from my granpa asking me to come to the hospital.

"Are you OK?" I asked.

"No."

When your frail, old grandfather calls you from the hospital to ask you to come and see him, you go.

Magazine, be dammed.

My grandfather needed me and I went.

I brought him hot chocolate and sat with him for a couple of hours. He's a fighter - ornery, stubborn, independent... but I think he realizes that he needs assistance and that has hurt his ego.

I'm worried about him. I hate seeing him so weak. It breaks my heart. And I'm heartless to begin with so for me to even open myself up like this is a big deal... to me, anyway.

I have so many ideas and plans for MOM but I feel so ripped apart from stress and fatigue. I'm emotionally drained and really tired. And all for what?

Because I still think MOM needs to be out there. The message that "Life as a MOM doesn't mean life as a WOMAN has to end" is needed by you. Or, at least that's what I think.

To quote the egocentric Charles Barkley, I may be wrong but I doubt it.

Pick up the latest issue and let me know what you think. Oh, and be sure to check out our newest MOM blogger, Sharp-tongued MOM ... she's feisty, snarky and will make you pee your pants laughing. And then she'll make you recycle something because she's weird that way.

Stay warm... and find something else to bitch about because if the weather is your biggest complaint in life, you've got it pretty damn good.

t.