Dear diary: I think he's come to terms with it

There hasn't been a lot of time from prognosis to now, in fact I can't believe it's only been six weeks since we found out he had cancer, but I think my granpa has finally accepted the fact that he's dying.

The last couple of days, he has clutched my hand and not wanted to let go. He tells me he loves me all the time, where as before I was lucky if I just got a wink and a smile from him. Yesterday he called and asked why it had been so long since I had seen him, but I had only missed going to the hospital on Monday and that's because I was sick.

"I love you, Stinker," he said.

"I love you, too granpa. I will see you this afternoon."

"Oh. OK. I miss you."

I think he knows that he doesn't have a lot of time left and it scares him. Yesterday when I did make it to the hospital, we chatted for a bit before he became silent. His eyes teared up and he said, "I want you to have granma's (wedding) ring."

I was shocked. Because when we had made arrangements for the funeral, he insisted that he be buried with his rings. I assumed he meant my grandmother's ring as well so when he said that, I replied, "You don't have to do that, granpa."

"I know I don't have to but I want to," he said, looking away. I could see the tears and it broke my heart.

"OK, granpa. Thank you."

Later, when he asked me to wheel him outside so he could have a cigarette (yes, he still smokes. What? There's no reason he can't enjoy the rest of his days... it's not like quitting now will make a difference), he said he wanted to complie a list of people to call. For, you know, 'after.'

I truly believe that he's finally getting his shit together because he knows there isn't much time left. Tomorrow we go to the Cross Cancer Institute for a more definitive answer on the primary source of the cancer but most likely I've been told not to hold out hope for treatment. Once he's done there, the palliative team will assess him however, once again, I've been told that he is probably a good candidate for the Hospice which means he has less than 2 months to live.

As tough as this has been for both of us, I do not want him to suffer so maybe it's a blessing. I am only living in the moment, though, and plan on making each one count.

t.