Dear Diary: Life (and death) are truly fucking up my plans

I don't know what I've done to piss off the universe but I've been kicked in the nuts enough times to know it must have been bad.

Before Christmas, my granpa was told he has cancer. Ever since then, it has been a struggle against time, reality, life, heartache, pain, denial, ignorance and so much more.

Today, we met with the funeral planner. She was an hour and 15 minutes late, which pissed me off to no end because this shit is hard enough to deal with without a mixup in schedules, and then the whole meeting was rushed.

But, we picked out the coffin, planned the memorial lunch, decided that he would be buried with both his and my grandma's wedding rings (which I had hoped to keep), was told that I would write the obituary, deal with the majority of the arrangements, find the pallbearers, contact his dumbass relatives, pick out a suit, ensure that my grandparent's "song" 'Look At Us' by Vince Gill is played at the memorial, ensure there is no 'service folder' for keepsakes (you know those gawdawful things they hand out for people to keep but you end up throwing them away, anyway, even though they cost a motherfuckin' fortune to print? Yah. Those.)

Yup. It was a pro-fuckin'-ductive day.

I hate this shit.

I truly do. Where the hell are his kids to do this? Why am I left holding his hand, telling him it will be a "Helluva party!" when he says, "Only you and I will be there."

He was so great. He knows how tough this has been for me. So he told me before I left today that the Cross Cancer Institute visit that he has coming up is only for a routine check up.

FML.

I hated having to sit there with him as he picked out his casket. Who the hell does that?

Put yourself in my shoes for one minute. Imagine yourself as an only child with no other relatives to turn to and the person who means most to you in life, is dying. So, you sit with them, hold there hand, joke with them and then pick out a casket.

Yah. Good. Fucking. Times.

Everything else is on hold for me. Too bad for anyone who can't understand that.

t.

10 Things I Love About Big Daddy

It's our 10th wedding anniversary today and in honour of the 10 years that Big Daddy has put up with me, I've decided to list 10 things I love about the big boy.

Indulge me, for a moment, as I share a little background. It was -26C the day we got married but I always said it would be a cold day in hell if I ever walked down the aisle. I mean, who wanted to be stuck with ONE guy for the rest of their lives, let alone have kids? Sure as hell not this career-oriented babe. Nope, I was going to play the field, go from a minor daily newspaper as a sports scribe to a TV career on TSN! Yes! I had it all figured out.

And then, one impulsive trip back to Edmonton to spend New Year's Eve with my cousin and his wife led to a chance encounter that drastically changed the course of my life.

And now, after 11 years of being together and 10 years of marriage, I need to share with you what makes Big Daddy so damn amazing.

Prepare.... to be AMAZED!

10. He always tells me he loves me. Multiple times a day. Even when I don't like him at that moment, he'll tell me he loves me. Although when I ask him WHY, he never comes up with an answer. I think it's because I'm so freakin' awesome that there can't be just one reason.

9. The first night we met, we were bantering and he looked across the table and said, "I think you need a spanking." I knew then that a) I was completely turned on and b) he was smart enough to keep up with my witty conversation.

8. He's the funniest and smartest person I've ever met. I actually never knew I was as funny as I am until I met him because he introduced me to inappropriate humour like Southpark. I always liked dark comedy but childish comedy, not so much. However, because of Big Daddy, I realize that I AM Peter Griffin. So, in essence, Big Daddy is bangin' Peter Griffin. Weird.

7. Whenever I think of him, I smile. Most days. Don't get me wrong, it's not all sunshine and lollipops over here but when I am feelin' all lovey dovey and think of him, he makes me smile. Just picturing his pretty mug makes me grin.Now if that ain't love, I don't know what is!

6. He is the best dad in the world! Our kids are who they are because he is their dad. They have all of his best qualities and only a hint of his bad traits (yes, even Big Daddy is not perfect, as much as he'd like to think so).

5. Patience. He has more than Ghandi and Mother Theresa put together. Seriously. Because to be married to me and my smart ass attitude, one must be patient.

4. He accepts me for who I am. He wishes I would do things differently which means "his way" but he realized very early in our relationship that I march to my own beat. And, like Frank Sinatra, I do it my way. Right or wrong, I live life the way I want to live it, not the way I "should" live it, or "should" parent my kids, or "should" act in certain situations. And in spite of the way I am, he loves me.

3. Las Vegas. I actually booked an impulse trip on a Thursday to leave on the Sunday for our first trip to Vegas but once we got there, Big Daddy fell in love with Sin City (he wasn't too happy that I used our Bay Card to book the trip and subsequently cancelled the card but he enjoyed himself, nonetheless). Vegas has since become our escape from reality. That bright light city surely set our soul... it went and set our soul on fire! VIVA! Las Vegas!! Seriously, it's the place we go where no one needs us and we can forget everything for three days.

2. He's my best friend. I can tell him anything and not worry about him judging me (except when it comes to money, then he gets all "responsible" on me. It's annoying). But for the most part, he's pretty awesome. He'll even watch award shows with me!

1. I've never trusted anyone the way I trust Big Daddy. He makes me feel safe and secure, something I never had in my life (with the exception of my grandparents, of course). But trusting people has never been my strong suit, so trusting him the way I do is a big deal. I'm never worried about him cheating or doing anything to jeopardize our relationship. There's something about trusting someone so completely that is freeing and wonderful.

Happy 10th, babe. I love you more than you know!!

xoxo

t.

Devastated by a loss

Of all things to break me, the World Junior Hockey final between the US and Canada completely broke my heart.

Not because I give a shit about the outcome, but today my granpa's biopsy report came back positive for all kinds of spreads of cancer, making it real to him and solidifying what the doctors have been telling me.

We sat there, talking about things that needed to be taken care of - funeral planning, will, his house, etc - when he looked at me and said, "If Canada loses tonight, I'll never see them win again."

At that moment, my heart broke.

Because we have a relationship based on hockey from as far back as I can remember. In fact, when I got my first job as a sports writer, I only wanted to write about the Edmonton Oilers so I could piss him off.

But this afternoon, with the biopsy report and the imminent Gold medal game between Canada and the US, it reignited my passion for hockey. Since leaving my career, I can't watch it because it pissed me off to see people who were less talented than me get jobs with major media outlets.

So, over the years, my passion has died.

Until today. When all my granpa wanted to see was the Canadian team win the Gold Medal.

Until four minutes left in the game, it looked hopeless. But I tweeted and tweeted about this meaning so much to my granpa, and pretty soon people were re-tweeting it, cheering on Canada in hopes that he could witness a final gold medal in his lifetime.

When they tied up the game, I was ecstatic!! For me, it was hope!! I called him only to find out he was in the sunroom at the hospital ignoring the game. I told him Team Canada tied it up and he said, "Are you serious?"

"No," I replied, "I'm just calling to fuck with you. What do you think!!! Of COURSE I'm serious!!"

"Well, get off the phone," he said, "I've got to get back to my room!"

And with that, I replied, "I'll call you when Canada wins!!"

He laughed and said, "Sweet dreams, Stinker!"

And then the overtime happened and I'm devastated.

The dam that I have been building since I found out about my grandfather's cancer, broke. I had to get this off my chest.

I guess the only thing I can take comfort in, is that after he told me about never seeing Canada win was that he'd never have to look at the Edmonton Oilers again.

Well. In all of this bullshit, he's keeping a sense of humour. And so shall I.

No where's my gawddamn wine!?!

t.

PS Thanks to all my tweeps who have supported me throughout all of this. You know who you are. I am indebted to you.

10 things I love about Big Daddy

Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up Jan. 13.

10 Years. Of sex with the same man. Wow. Whoda thunk!?

10 things I love about Big Daddy

Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up Jan. 13.

10 Years. Of sex with the same man. Wow. Whodathunk!?

It was -26C when we got married but I always said it would be a cold day in hell if I ever walked down that path... so it was fitting!

Crazily enough, we won our wedding on the Big Breakfast, which is now lovingly referred to as Breakfast Television on the A-Channel. It was a crazy time but one that fitted perfectly with our relationship. We found out Christmas Eve morning that we won the wedding and we were married about three weeks later.

Seriously crazy.

And no, we weren't one of 10 couples to be married that day either. It was a huge thing - they followed us to pick out our wedding rings, the dress, the tuxes and even to our "stag & stagette."

It was three weeks of fabulousness!

So, in honour of our special day, I have decided to create a list of the things I love/hate about the big boy. We met Dec. 29, 1999 and were married the next year. In the 11 years that we have been together and the 10 years that we've been married, I've come to tolerate some of his quirks. The others, I cope with by drinking wine. Lots and lots of it! ;)

Dear Diary, Are you fuckin kidding me?

I made it through the holidays without too much drama, which is always nice, and actually had a chance to forget all of the things that are happening with my grandfather.

But, reality rears it's ugly face and I have been smacked upside the head with a shitload of it.