Before Christmas, my granpa was told he has cancer. Ever since then, it has been a struggle against time, reality, life, heartache, pain, denial, ignorance and so much more.
Today, we met with the funeral planner. She was an hour and 15 minutes late, which pissed me off to no end because this shit is hard enough to deal with without a mixup in schedules, and then the whole meeting was rushed.
But, we picked out the coffin, planned the memorial lunch, decided that he would be buried with both his and my grandma's wedding rings (which I had hoped to keep), was told that I would write the obituary, deal with the majority of the arrangements, find the pallbearers, contact his dumbass relatives, pick out a suit, ensure that my grandparent's "song" 'Look At Us' by Vince Gill is played at the memorial, ensure there is no 'service folder' for keepsakes (you know those gawdawful things they hand out for people to keep but you end up throwing them away, anyway, even though they cost a motherfuckin' fortune to print? Yah. Those.)
Yup. It was a pro-fuckin'-ductive day.
I hate this shit.
I truly do. Where the hell are his kids to do this? Why am I left holding his hand, telling him it will be a "Helluva party!" when he says, "Only you and I will be there."
He was so great. He knows how tough this has been for me. So he told me before I left today that the Cross Cancer Institute visit that he has coming up is only for a routine check up.
FML.
I hated having to sit there with him as he picked out his casket. Who the hell does that?
Put yourself in my shoes for one minute. Imagine yourself as an only child with no other relatives to turn to and the person who means most to you in life, is dying. So, you sit with them, hold there hand, joke with them and then pick out a casket.
Yah. Good. Fucking. Times.
Everything else is on hold for me. Too bad for anyone who can't understand that.
t.
This was hard to read. I'm so sorry you are going through this and are losing your grandfather. Wow, to pick a casket with him and make all the arrangements - must be absolutely surreal.
ReplyDeleteDec 2008 lost my coach, mentor, great friend and the most amazing woman. The thing that meant the most for both of us was sitting there just talking and joking and being together. She was diagnosed officially in October and passed away in December. I know how difficult it was for me to grasp (and still is)but spending the time together is all that really matters!
ReplyDeleteI am here niblets and all to support you!
Laurel
There are many things I could say, but what you might be doing here is simply venting and not needing a hand of comfort, and explanation, etc.
ReplyDeleteSo my comment is:
I will be at the Funeral. I will be wherever you want me to be. Bc friends do that.
Karissa
Sending you some ((hugs)) it's the best I've got from this far away... Amanda (InspireHamilton)
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it's like.
ReplyDeleteAnd it might sound trite.
But some people would consider it a privilege to spend the last weeks or days of a life meeting their every request with dignity and grace.
And a little FML under your breath over a glass of wine in the privacy of your own home...
You might one day consider this a very precious gift.
But wtf do I know.
<3
Make sure you tell him you love him!! For his sake and yours. That's why he wants YOU to do this!
ReplyDeleteBless you.
Thanks for the comments everyone. He checked himself out of the hospital on Thursday but ended up back there Friday night. It's stressful and beyond anything I've ever had to deal with. We are very close, and seeing him so frail and weak is heartbreaking especially since his spirit is strong. I hope to have more definitive answers next week when he goes to the Cross Cancer Institute.
ReplyDeleteTamara,
ReplyDeleteI just discovered you on Twitter, got all excited because I publish a mouthy magazine for the woman behind the mother in Colorado, then found this post and my heart fell. I live with stage IV breast cancer while publishing and raising four daughters 10 and under. And my mother's a fucking narcissist who thinks it's all about her. I'm so sorry for having to grieve this shitty situation before he's gone. I write about living with cancer all the time, because it's my only sanity. At any rate, I'll be in touch regarding some cross-promotion twixt the Canada/U.S. lines--one of my biggest fans is from Nova Scotia, and she took me there to get away from life with cancer for awhile. So, I don't know you, but I know grief, and I just want to say that listening to P!NK loudly, while on the treadmill, seems to help me somewhat.
Wow...I had a hard time reading this. You are one tough little sh*t and I mean that in the nicest way possible. <3 i_Ren
ReplyDelete