My kryptonite

I'm pretty tough. Not much gets me down and keeps me there. But even when I am down for the count, I always manage to come back better than ever.

But even Superman had his kryptonite and so do I.

There is one person that never fails to paralyze my spirit, cause me ridiculous amounts of tension, triggers me to the point of wanting to either punch someone or curl up in my blankets and shut everyone out.

My mother.

I don't have a relationship with her. I haven't had one in a long time and even when I did have a "relationship" with her, it was toxic. Our relationship isn't strained because she was "the meddling mom" or even "the strict mom" or not even "the fussy mom." We have no relationship for so many reasons that a blog won't cover.  

I get that I am who I am today because of the shit I went through growing up and if I were in the mood to be all Zen right now, I would tell you that I should be thankful for lessons I learned from my mother. I mean, after all , I learned to NOT choose abusive relationships thanks to her. I learned that moms should ALWAYS choose their kids over a man especially when that so-called "man" is beating and sexually abusing your kids. I learned that it's not OK to leave your kids in a car while you're drinking in a bar until 3 am. I learned that using Welfare as a crutch and  playing the victim role your entire life will get you NO WHERE.

Yeh, I'm pretty fuckin' grateful.

I don't want my kids around her when I can't even maintain any level of composure when she's around. This woman triggers me like no one else ever has and, yes, I've done all the "let it go, forgive" crap and for the most part I'm usually OK with it.

But then she phones me. And my blood pressure skyrockets. And my shoulders tense. And my fists clench. And the rage comes washing over me and I feel like I'm drowning in it.

Deeeeeep breath.

I am the mom I am today because of the mom she never was. I am the woman I am today because of the woman SHE was. I made a lot of choices based on what I saw growing up and even though I tried my best to save her, I never could.

You can only take on that kind of baggage for so long before it becomes an anchor and you are either going down with that ship or you break the ties completely and save yourself. Clearly, I chose the latter.

But ever once in a while, only when she wants or needs something, she will call. It's not often, like once a year, maybe twice but I never know it's her until I pick up the phone because she is never in the same place for very long.

She wasn't always like the person she became. In fact, some of my early memories are of her laughing, her dazzling smile, her charismatic personality, her easy way of making other people feel comfortable. When I think about those times, it breaks my heart because she could have had such a better life but she made so many bad choices. She continues to make them and it just is what it is.

I go from rage to sadness when I hear from her because there are so many times I wish I had a mom who was there for me. I wish she had the strength to walk away the first time she was beaten. Or even the second time. I wish she was the mom I remembered not the woman I know now.

She can't be saved because you can only save someone who wants to be saved. I guess I just have to keep learning from her mistakes and be the best mom to my kids that I can.

What's your kryptonite?