I woke up at 4 a.m. and went to make coffee when I COULDN'T FIND MY GAWDDAMN COFFEE GRINDER!!!!
Seriously. I almost had a panic attack!! I was this close from calling my housekeeper and screaming. "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU HIDE IT BITCH!!!?!??"
Thankfully, I spied with my little eye a coffee grinder sitting beside the coffee beans. Uhm, it was 4 a.m. people!! And it doesn't normally go there. It goes right beside my prozac in a little cupboard by my coffee cups.
So... yah... not only would I have lost the most important person in my house (I love Cindy, not only because she makes my house clean for one day every two weeks but she's really awesome!! Not a bitch at all... unless she hid it on me on purpose in which case ... oh hell, just IV the coffee into my system this morning!!)
Anyhoo, I met with Kim Berube yesterday to chat about all things magazines and share some ideas. She's looking for the elusive balance in her life that we all struggle to find. You should see this woman - polished, poised, great skin, 8 feet tall (well it seems that way seeing as I'm a mere 5'5), perfectly dressed and looks the part of what I think a publisher should look like.
Me, I showed up in sweats and a t-shirt, mainly because I was picking up magazines and on my way to do distribution, which is a little tedious if I'm wearing heels however I was wearing my heeled Crocs, so... does that count as fashionable?
I didn't think so, either.
I've been thinking about a LOT of things lately
Mostly the past (because it's tough to think of the future unless you're dreaming about it, and I've been thinking ... not dreaming). I digress, I know, bear (bare?) with me! It's 5 a.m. and I'm just starting cup #2!! In fact, hang on I gotta add some of my coffee sauce (International Cream, not Baileys. Sheesh! Even I have limits!!)
Where was I... right. oh GAWD that's good!! yum!
Sorry. The past. Right. So I may or may not have mentioned that I grew up in the inner city in Edmonton (by the Stadium/Coliseum area for those of you familiar with my hometown). I have four brothers who I never see, one because he lives in Vancouver, the other three because we have nothing in common. My mom is around somewhere, I don't know where and I really have no interest in knowing, harsh as that sounds it's my reality. Never knew my biological father, never cared to find him, either. There was a string of boyfriends that my mom had until she latched on to one for a major portion of my life. He was an abusive asshole who's obituary I look forward to reading.
Cold, I know. But that's my life.
About a month ago I had a Dr. appt. downtown, which is fairly close to the old 'hood, and when as I got closer to the Dr's office, I started to have an anxiety attack. I have no friggin CLUE where that came from! I'm usually a pretty tough chick, not fazed by much but my heart started beating faster and faster and I started having to consciously control my breathing.
I have a lot of bad memories of growing up. And lately, for some really strange reason, I've started to question a lot of things about myself. Mostly whether or not I deserve what I have.
Last night, Big Daddy and I were watching an old episode of Law & Order SVU and the bad guy at the end of the episode - who I personally think just had really bad issues that he hadn't dealt with - was left alone. With no one. No one who cared about him.
"Sometimes I think that could've been me if I hadn't met you," I told Big Daddy. Granted, I had had more than a few glasses of wine and have a tendancy to see myself in almost any movie/TV show I watch, usually in the lead role because, well, that's how I role! LOL
I always include my friends and put them in the supporting roles. OMG I just literally had an AHA moment!! I've done that because my friends have been the most important people in my life since I was a kid and I've always considered friends more important than family (with the exception of Big Daddy, Oz and Lola of course).
Bah! Digressing again. Sorry. I'll try to stay focused.
I was the loyal friend with the crappy family, Chris Chambers in Stand By Me. In Young Guns, I was loyal pal and super cool outlaw Billy the Kid. In Harold & Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay I was Kumar because he's pervy, funny and... uh... inappropriate! LMAO
My life after leaving home and before Big Daddy wasn't so bad. Recently, Lola found my diary from when I was 19. Thank GAWD she's only 3 and can't read because there's some pretty pathetic things in there. But I read it, parts of it, and was reminded of all of the things I did back then.
Nightclubs, one-night stands, stupid things you do when you're young. Never drugs, though, and I am proud to say I am the only member of my family who has never seen the inside of a jail cell! Woot! Woot! for me! :D
I went through all the highs and lows of being young
At 15 I moved out but still finished high school (finished, not graduated), lost my virginity at 17 to my first love, had an abortion on my 18th birthday, had my heart broken, my grandma (the only person I was truly close with and was a positive influence in my life) died when I was 19. I went to college in Calgary from 19-20, left there and came running right back to my comfort zone in Edmonton because I couldn't completely break ties with my mom at that point. Someone I loved dearly died a week after my 21st birthday. At 22, I got my dream job at a daily paper as a sports scribe in Kelowna.
Getting that job in Kelowna was a major turning point in my life because I needed to be away from everyone: my bar friends, my mom, Edmonton, my life there. I wasn't running away, I was chasing a dream. My dream was to be one of the first female sports writers who kicked ass!! That was 12 years ago, so the trend towards female sports scribes was not as huge as it is now. It was a big deal to me! I got that job a couple of weeks before I turned 23.
I loved my life there but I was always afraid I would be found out as a fraud. As someone who didn't deserve to be successful. And I kept going back to Edmonton.
When I met Big Daddy, I was more than ready to leave Kelowna. It was perfect - he lived in Edmonton and I wanted to move back. I gave up my career - not for him (as I blame him when I'm mad at him) but because I was afraid of success. I really wanted to go to a major daily, Vancouver, Edmonton, even Calgary, I didn't care as long as I eventually ended up on a sports show like TSN.
Sometimes on the way to a dream you get lost and find a better one
I found that saying about a month after I met Big Daddy. To me, it was a sign. A sign that I was on the right path and going where I was suppose to go.
We're coming up on our 10th wedding anniversary and it's the longest I've chosen to be with someone. Our kids are amazing and I love watching them because I see a miniature version of Big Daddy and me. Lola bosses Oz around, they argue, Lola stomps off, huffing and slams her bedroom door. Or they will laugh about the most ridiculous things and giggle hysterically. I am in awe of them!
There is a point to me laying all this shit bare (bear?)
I'm not embarrased about the things I did or what I did or how I did them. All of my experiences make me who I am today. There's nothing anything can say about me that I don't already know; I'm stubborn, tempermental, I take prozac, I drink too much wine, I swear too much, I think it's funny when someone trips or hits their thumb with a hammer (because I do it, too), I don't have time for catty bullshit, I can't stand people who don't have a backbone because I can't tolerate weak people. People either love me or hate me, there's really no in between. And I'm OK with that.
Lately, I just don't know who I am anymore. Am I as strong as I really think I am? Do I make a difference doing what I do? Am I wasting my time working so much and not spending enough time with my kids? Should I take more time to get my nails/hair done? Is that selfish of me?
When I look in the mirror I don't see the person I used to see
and that is depressing
I need to change something I just don't know where to start. Do you ever feel like "what's the point?" Why should I take that first step to change myself because tomorrow I'll still be fat/unhappy/wah wah friggin WAH!
I guess no one can make those changes except for me. It is time to reclaim my sense of self. To feel good about myself again. To stop doing all the things I do that I know are bad for me and start doing the things I used to do that I loved. To start smiling again!! To stop hiding from myself.
I guess I've reached that breaking point and it's do or die time. Not literally but you know what I mean.
Dear diary, this has been very therapeutic and
the tears I've shed while writing this have been cleansing for the soul.
Wow. It's 6 a.m. already. Guess I should make some coffee, jump in the shower and see where this new path takes me. Because I'm a kickass mamacita who has nothing and no one to FEAR!!
Thanks for listening!
t.
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