Fighting for a Stranger

This is a story of two women. Both named Chris. Both 47. One full of life, ready to take on the world. The other, fighting a losing battle for her health. These women have never met, but they both are battling Cancer.


One with her life. The other by helping to find a cure.

I’m Chris, mom of three wonderful young adults, soccer player, Running Room instructor, perpetual volunteer and employee at a busy Pediatrics office in Edmonton.

I am surrounded by loving family and friends, I am full of life and I am ready to take on the world. And this is my story.The first time I heard about the Ride to Conquer Cancer was in February. It was only by chance that I found the flyer, which instantly caught my attention because I am always looking for something new to do, whether it’s ice climbing, running a marathon, driving to Mexico on a bus with 100 other people to build houses for those in need, or getting my motorcycle license. I don’t question my zest for life, I simply embrace it. I’m kicking 50 so “bring it on!”

The bright blue and yellow flyer read, Ride 200+ KM on a bicycle, after raising $2500 towards finding a cure! I was instantly intrigued and started to find reasons to ride; it’s for a good cause, the challenge of a two-day, 200+ km bicycle ride through the mountains, and I would have helped make a difference to those suffering from or directly affected by cancer.

I kept the brochure but didn’t follow up until Monday to get more information.

After speaking with Bradley at the Ride to Conquer Cancer office, I had to consider not only why but how I planned on registering; Individual? Team? Who am I riding for? How will I raise $2500? He helped alleviate my concerns and put the Ride into perspective.

I was convinced this was my next adventure.

Finding each other

A few weeks passed after that phone call and one afternoon at work, a patient’s mom walked in crying. I walked around my counter, offering tissues and a hug. She was distraught because she had only minutes before arriving, received the devastating news that her sister-in-law, Chris Bryan, had been diagnosed with Cancer. I was one of the first people she told and my heart was heavy with sadness for both Angie and Chris.

After Katelyn’s appointment, Angie and I chatted more about Chris. As Angie talked, all I could think of was, “What can I do to help?”

Chris, 47, is the same age as I am with basically the same family dynamics of three young adult children. I couldn’t shake this woman’s devastating news. I tried to put myself in her shoes but it was too horrifying to think about. I could shake the thoughts off - she couldn’t.

It was real for her.

It was her life now.

And she had to deal with it.

I called Angie a few days later to see how Chris was doing, and if they needed anything, not sure what I could have done. A few days later, Angie told me it was not good. Chris was in hospital for further testing and treatment.

At that point I had talked to Angie a few times when she told me about Chris’s blog and how I could go to her site and follow her progress.

I was a stranger to Chris, someone who simply watched her progress via her blog and would send “feel better wishes” through her family.

From afar, I prayed for her.

After a week or so reading her blog, I decided to do the Ride To Conquer Cancer for Chris, and went through Angie to put my request forth to Chris who was at that time, home on oxygen, awaiting test results and going to the hospital for treatments.

At that moment, she became my reason for doing this ride.

Angie told Chris about me wanting to do this ride for her, in her honour, and she was surprised that a stranger would do this for her but happy about it, too.

Over the next few weeks Chris’s health deteriorated and the blog entries stopped. She was too sick to update.

Chris was not doing very well. She was re-admitted to the hospital but Angie kept me informed about her health.

I asked if I could meet her. I thought I might be a bright spot for her in her dreary days of hospitals, pain, doctors, medications, and treatments. I thought by meeting me, a total stranger who is bringing a bit of hope to her world, it might lift her spirits knowing that through her name, through this Ride, that she’d be helping come one step closer to finding a cure. Angie said she’d ask and let me know.

Two days later Angie left a voicemail message on my work phone asking me to come to the hospital that day to see Chris. She had taken a turn for the worse. My heart felt so very heavy in my chest and all I could think about was that she was so young.

This was not the way it was supposed to be for a woman her age. There is so much more life to live. I wished I had magic dust that I could sprinkle over her which had the ability to make this go away for her.

Meeting Chris

I decided to go see her on my lunch hour. She was in the Misericordia Hospital in Edmonton, which is a few blocks from my office. Before I left work, I wrote a letter to Chris, thinking she could either read it when alone, or have her husband read it to her if she was not up to reading it. I stopped at Safeway and bought a simple, but the most beautiful bouquet of carnations. They were in a vase filled with orange slices, completely round and bright orange. I had never seen a bouquet like this one. “It’s perfect,” I thought, and off I went to meet the woman whose life had such an impact on mine.

I peeked in Chris’ room, and looking back at me were about 20 faces, probably wondering who I was. I was apprehensive, feeling like I was treading on sacred family time. I thought I would just introduce myself to Chris and her family, talk a bit about the Ride, and then leave them to their bonding and healing time.

What I walked into was a room of sadness. Chris was unconscious and hadn’t been awake in more than 24 hours. As I stood there being introduced to her mother, father, children, nieces, nephews, and friends, I realized she was not going to make it. I found myself standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by Chris’ family while she lay in the bed, slowly slipping away.

Her mom asked me if I wanted some time alone with her, saying they would leave the room for me to chat with her. I said no, for two reasons; I didn’t want to take their time with their Chris, and I was unprepared to find her this way.

I thought that when it came time for the Ride, she would be there to cheer me on, or welcome me back from it. To this day, my biggest regret is not taking that moment with Chris.

But what I did do was read my letter. I stood up in the middle of the room, surrounded by her loving family. The room went silent as I and read my letter to Chris.

At that moment, I felt so connected to her.

She was so important to me and I was overwhelmed with emotion. I felt sad as I looked at her in her hospital bed. Such a beautiful woman. She seemed peaceful. Like she knew her entire family was around her. If I could feel the love in that room, I’m sure Chris did too. Her feet were uncovered revealing ten purple painted toneails complete with white painted flowers. Her toes were my focus point when I became emotional, as I read my letter and composed myself.

Make It Go Away

That visit stayed with me the entire day. I was not my usual self at work, and everyone noticed, even commented. I couldn’t stop thinking about Chris. After work I got into my car still thinking about her. I even wondered if I should go see her again. I turned on the CD player, wanting some mellow music. I bypassed eight songs until the song Make It Go Away by Holly Cole started playing. I listened to it three times and it was so obvious to me at that exact moment that this song was Chris’ way of finding me.

This is not the way you should see me. This is not the face I recognize Make it go away. Cause I am weak, and this is more than one should have to take. There are reasons with silver linings There are lessons but I dont care Cause I just need a hand that I can hold onto When its darker than death out there

Make It Go Away had such a powerful impact on me and renewed my commitment to Chris. It was like she was now a tired, weak soul and she was asking me to take over, to carry her. I went back twice after that initial visit, thinking there was no way I could walk into their lives, their world and say “I’m riding for Chris,” then walk away.

I was connected.

Each visit, I met more of her family and friends. I would sit with her Mom as she told me stories about Chris and cried because she knew she was about lose her daughter. I comforted her with a hug, and encouragement of what a great life she had with Chris. She said, “See, this is why you’re here. I thank you for coming here, and for doing this for our Chris.”

I knew it was just a matter of time for Chris.

One morning I called the hospital to check on Chris and the nurse told me the news, softly, with such a degree of sympathy, that Chris had passed away. I hung up the phone and cried. For the loss of a woman so young. For her children, her husband, her family and for things she’ll never experience. She was diagnosed December 16, 2008 and died April 16, 2009, five months to the day from being diagnosed to losing her battle.

At that moment, she became my angel.

I begin each cycle training with a moment of silence for Chris. I have her picture (in a plastic name tag holder) pinned to my bicycle bag. She’s with me. Her and I are doing this together. “we “ will raise this money toward the cure. Even in her death, she’s ‘helping others,” myself included. I was unsure if I’d go to her funeral, again part of me felt I wasn’t a part of their family/friend group. But then it hit me! Chris and I were connected, and for me it was strong. I had to go to this funeral, I had to say goodbye to Chris, the woman whose life (and now death) have impacted my own life tremendously. Her funeral was like none I’ve ever been to. I slowly walked in looking for familiar faces and was amazed with the amount of people there. I talked a bit with the family I had already met, and then it was time for everyone to take a seat. But there were no seats! I had to stand, along with over a hundred other people. There must have been 4000 people there. What a testament to who Chris was in life. As I listened to her brother, sisters, husband, children, parents talk about her life, I became more and more proud of her. I remember thinking, “I wish I knew this woman.” Everyone who spoke had the same outlook of Chris; happy, fun, full of laughter, upbeat, positive, and loving. Although her life ended at 47, she touched the lives of so so very many people. Mine included, without ever meeting.

The voice of an angel

Angie’s daughter Katelyn, 4, was having a hard time understanding why Auntie Chrissy was not here anymore. Her parents (Chris’s brother Doug) and Angie told Katelyn that Chris was going to Heaven and would call when she got there and tell them she was OK. They put it at the back of their minds, and thought that when she was older they would talk about it. One day I called to see how everyone was doing. Angie answered the phone without saying hello, but rather, “Oh hi Chris !” and we chatted for a few minutes. Unbeknownst to Angie and I, Katelyn heard the phone ring, and her mother answer. She asked, “Was that Auntie Chrissy calling to say she’s in heaven and OK?” Angie answered, “Yes, yes it was. She said she loves you too.” Katelyn ran off smiling, confident that Auntie was OK. I cried when Angie called me later to tell me that story. I believe God has a part in all this. He placed us together for a reason. Although we may not understand the why of it all, we should realize that we’re all here to help each other, count on each other. It could be your neighbour, your co-worker, or someone you’ve never met that might benefit by your actions to show concern, compassion, and love for a fellow human. Personally, I have never been so touched by another person I have never actually have met. It goes to show that you can be connected or bonded through emotion, through thoughts, through the heart. I feel so protective of Chris. This is our ride. And I will do her proud. F 

Christine Jarvis on her final Ride to Conquer Cancer in June 2012

Editor’s Note: This is Christine Jarvis' story that was published in the 2009 Summer edition of MOM Magazine. Christine went on to ride in the Ride to Conquer Cancer every year until her death less than a month after her 51st birthday. 

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Stronger Than Yesterday...

By Sammie Love

One year ago I wrote an article called Embracing My Scars for MOM Magazine. That article was the first time that I had ever told the general public that I was brutally raped when I was nineteen years old and how I have struggled with Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome My life has changed so much in the past year since I
wrote that article.

I have learned that I am stronger than yesterday. I am stronger when I am open to receive the love of others. I am stronger when I share what is on my heart with others instead of shutting them out. I am stronger when I rely on the word of the LORD and not my own understanding.

Embracing My Scars was just the beginning of me getting stronger. What I wrote in that article was I was a cancer and rape survivor but I hadn't really looked at so many other underlying issues that I had like: lack of trust, a hard heart and a body that was finally cracking under the weight of deep seeded depression and anxiety. My body was internally attacking me and it manifested itself through anxiety, weight gain and withdrawal.

My relationship with food and supressing feelings of inferiority after being raped made me withdraw from friends and potential friends. I always felt like I was never good enough to be their friend. I felt damaged and my heart felt broken.

I had a few special friends that I clung to this year and I opened up to them. One friend introduced me to another friend and another friend introduced me to more friends. I remember when one of them told me, "Life is too short to be unhappy! You are beautiful, intelligent and you are my sister and you don't have to settle for less than you deserve."

I've clung to those words. Those words held me when my job was downsized, when I had a car accident and my car was totaled, and when my anxiety wouldn't allow me to get back into a car. Those words gave me hope when I accepted a new job only to be let go because the license for the school hadn't been issued. I grabbed those words when I developed gallstones and kidney stones and had to have the kidney stones surgically removed. Those words helped me to build my confidence and to establish boundaries and set personal goals for happiness. Those words became my mantra when I hit rock bottom and I surrendered to GOD to help lift me back up!

As I reflect on this year I am so amazed at how GOD has worked in and through me:

•  I have opened up with friends and family about what happened to me and I have really expanded my writing to be more reflective of the journey I am on to heal all of the fragments of my life.
• I have mended fences with people I shut out of my life after I was raped and I explained that I was too embarrassed to tell them what I was going through because I didn't understand it myself.
• I have written a series of articles that go into detail about my recent health scare (suspected uterine cancer) and the positive outcome.
• I studied the bible with a group of sisters and I have joined a bible based Church that I LOVE!
• I began to look at my relationship with food and my body image. I sought help from my doctor's and I began a "walking discovery journey" and I have recently lost 75 pounds.
• And the final piece of the puzzle is I've decided to participate in the San Francisco Women Against Rape's 7th Annual Walk Against Rape on Saturday, April 28, 2012.

I am lighter and truly walking in the light. There are still dark days but with GOD's grace, the love of my family, my "Sista from Anotha Mista", Church and friends I have risen from tragedy to triumph and I truly know that which does not kill me will make me stronger. As I said before, I am stronger than yesterday and "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

Be Brave, Be Well
*Sammie Love


Sammie Love is a wife, mother of three children, and an Early Childhood Educator and Professional Development Trainer for Teacher's entering the field by day. She is a sexy erotica writing super heroine unleashing passion on paper by night. She is an active blogger and has recently started writing a book about parenting children with learning differences.


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Reflections ~ Waiting to see if I have Uterine Cancer

By Sammi Love

Today is March 7th and my long awaited biopsy date is here. I am sitting in the hallway of the Medical Building. I am patiently impatiently waiting to get this show on the road.Diagnostic Hysteroscopy and be put under general anesthesia.

Yesterday my doctor's office called me at 6:30am to see if I could have my biopsy yesterday, but I had no one to drive me back from the appointment so I declined and stayed with my original appointment. So here I am today, sitting, calmly waiting, anticipating the results of this biopsy that hasn't even been taken yet.

My husband is filled with nervous energy. He is carrying so much weight on his shoulders. He is the sole bread winner at this time, the guy who tries not to wear his emotions on his sleeves. He has failed today. His focus is non-existent as he tries to mask his fears. His energy is bound up tight and ready to explode. I don't need or want to be nervous right now. I have been really good at keeping my anxiety at bey through this process and I'd like to keep it that way.

***

My oldest son came and say with me and we talked about how excited he is to start at his new college in the Fall. We got his tax paperwork together and he left for his appointment to get his taxes done.

I went by my youngest daughter's school to pick up her report card. She is doing well in her classes, in fact she made the honor roll with a 3.33 GPA. We have managed to keep her and her other brother unaware of this current health scare, but today she really wanted leave school with us. She begged to come with me to the doctor ~ in her little mind she knows something is not right. I decided not to burden her with extra stress unless the results come back positive. She and her brother will be allowed to enjoy their childhood as much as they can for as long as they can and if this result is negative then the less they know about the process the better.

***

It's 3:29pm now and I am waiting in the office now. All checked in and ready to rock and roll! The ladies in waiting are gone from the couches and they smiled politely as they lovingly patted their bellies after their OB/GYN check ups. But I sit here reflecting on the many times that I was excited to walk into this office, yet today I sit here dreading the music, the magazines and the cheerful staff.

The pregnant bellies remind me of happier times, times before my body revolted against me.

My name was just called so I am now in the outpatient medical suite. My blood pressure is 114/70 and I've lost 6 pounds since my doctor told me that she thought I might have uterine cancer on Valentine's Day, believe me I didn't see that coming!

It must be stress weight loss because I have certainly been eating a little naughtier than usual.

The walls are thin here or either the ultrasound machine is against the wall. I can hear a babies heartbeat and I begin to calm down and then I remember I am over 40 and there will be no more babies for me! I have had my time and I have had my kids.

It's time for the next phase in my life.

I hope that this phase will begin as a non-cancerous pre-menopausal phrase. 

Based on the results of this biopsy, I will either have a full hysterectomy if these cells are cancerous or I will have a partial hysterectomy if these cells are not cancerous. Either way, I am entering the post child-bearing phase of my life and I have to be okay with that.

My doctor greets me and goes over my 3D ultrasound results from the hospital, which identifies a large area of abnormal cells in the uterine wall. She goes and tell me that since I have had an ablation previously scar tissue may prohibit her from getting a clear biopsy today and if that is the case I would need to reschedule and be checked into the hospital for a Hysteroscopy.
"WTF," I think to myself.

So I sit on the table and get two shots in my cervix and a rod to dilate my cervix. She adjusts the rod which is supposed to help my cervix dilate and no luck. She gently (gently according to her my cervix begs to differ) readjusts the rod and again no luck. She smiles at me after this 10 minute adventure and pats my leg and she tells me that I will have to go to the hospital to have the Diagnostic Hysteroscopy to be done and I will be put under general anesthesia.

FML!

Her assistant comes in to re-check my blood pressure as I lay half naked on the table with tears flowing uncontrollably now as I ponder yet more waiting to determine if the beast known as cancer is back. My blood pressure is 124/76. I am fine to get dressed and go home. I'm sent home with Motrin for cramping and pain.

My doctor says I will be contacted within the week to schedule my appointment for my outpatient Diagnostic Hysteroscopy. I leave the Medical Building in complete frustration and I begin to laugh through my tears as I think about all of the things that are at my fingertips.

I reflect on how we live in an instant society. We make choices on a daily basis so that we do not have to wait to satisfy our desire for information. Patience has truly been lost within me and waiting is unbearable. In an instant I can have the latest music, breaking news, iBooks, the Internet and yet I have to fucking wait for 2-3 more weeks to find out what the hell is wrong with me! The waiting continues.

FUCK CANCER!

Note from Sammi: I know that some people will view this as too much information but I am writing these posts to encourage others to make sue that they stay on top of their health and hopefully this will help inform others about cancer.


Sammie Love is a wife, mother of three children, and an Early Childhood Educator and Professional Development Trainer for Teacher's entering the field by day. She is a sexy erotica writing super heroine unleashing passion on paper by night. She is an active blogger and has recently started writing a book about parenting children with learning differences.

Sammie Love: You need to know her

I met Sammie Love in 2010 while researching a website called Lushstories.com for a feature on online erotica for MOM Magazine. We became fast friends bonding over our mutual love for wine.

I quickly learned Sammie's story about how she was brutally raped when she was 19 years old, how she survived cancer, and  has struggled with her self-esteem, as most of us do.

Sammie is a fighter; a woman who embodies resilience, strength, courage and passion. I have such respect for this woman and have come to love her like a sister.  Last week, she was flagged for possibly having Uterine Cancer.

As if the universe hasn't flicked her in the forehead enough, now she has to deal with the possibility of another cancer.

Fuck cancer.

But if anyone can beat it, I know my girl Sammie can. Check out her post "The New Things I Like About Me: Just Be Enough."

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Dear Diary, I feel like I'm living the final chapter

My grandfather moved into the Hospice today. The hospice, you know, is basically where people go to die comfortably.

He's so weak now. He weighs 123 pounds and is starting to have some confusion about certain things. For example, the other day he called me my mother's name. Grrr... of all things! Had he not looked so damn helpless I might have taken that pillow... :D just kidding!! Gotta keep things light!!

Anyhoo, yah, I wasn't thrilled. Especially when he said it a second time.

But then he has moments of extreme clarity and he tries to joke around. Sadly, he's so quiet and frail that you have to ask him to repeat what he says, and then he just gets mad. I laugh when he does that because if I don't, I'll cry.

Last week, he made me take him outside for a cigarette, and the damn wind was as bitter and cold as Kate Gosselin's sex life (hahahah, see? laughing is good!). Anyway, after freezing his scrawny, old man ass of for a damn cancer stick, he said, "Go get me a touque." Because, you know, I'm the touque fairy.

I humoured the old boy and decided that if was a touque he wanted, it was a badass touque he was getting!

Oddly enough, he LOVED the touque!


I can't imagine the pain he's in. I don't remember my grandma suffering this badly. In fact, she died at home in my granpa's arms. (Did I tell this story? I can't remember... forgive me if I'm rambling or repeating myself).

Anyway, my granma died of lung cancer 17 years ago, almost a year to the day she was diagnosed. They were living in Kuwait at the time and she came back home for treatments at the Cross Cancer Institute. A couple of weeks before she died, my grandfather came back for a visit and the night before he was suppose to leave, she died in his arms.

He was devastated. Rightfully so because my granma was the only thing holding my excuse for a family together. She was so amazingly beautiful, funny, sassy and smart. He adored her.

I even remember the last time I saw my grandma; she came to the studio apartment we had shared before she moved back to the acreage in Spruce Grove that my grandparents owned, and one of the last things she told me was that she wanted me to be happy.

Fast forward 17 years, and now it's my grandfather's turn to go.

Watching someone you love, die, sucks. Plain and simple.

My grandfather is physically a shell of his former self. To see the man I grew up thinking was the toughest sunuvabitch that ever lived, now be physically unable to do anything for himself and have to swallow his pride, is heartbreaking.

I know they're going to make him comfortable at the hospice. I know the environment is much more caring and private but I also know that this will be the place where he dies.

Thanks again for the kind comments here on my blahg and on Twitter. Your support means more than you know and often brightens my day.

xoxo
t.