This is why I do what I do

Every year around this time, I question my sanity.

I barely sleep, I immerse myself in all things FIERCE neglecting my house and family, and I look like hell.

And then I get an email like this, reaffirming that FIERCE makes a difference to so many women because it connects them in a way no other networking group ever could (not the FIERCE is a networking group for the record).

Hey Tamara!
I wanted to send you something that really put a smile on my face that I just had to share with you. While I am of course thankful that you chose me to represent the FIERCE awards on BTEdmonton... apparently I am not the only one. As you know, I try my hardest at Graves Disease awareness and in return, I have met multiple people from around the world with the same diagnosis.  

Because of you, someone out there felt a little less lonely dealing with it too. 
This lady who has had Graves for 19 years and had not met a single soul with it before, wrote me after seeing me on BT yesterday.  

I wanted to share this e-mail with you to let you know about your 'good deed'. Thank you for being the reason I now have the ability to help someone else through the hopeless times I have also been through. 

Hope all is well with you!! Good luck and enjoy the FIERCE awards!!! (It will be amazing!)
Rayanne 

(Rayanne won't be at the FIERCE awards next week because she will be having surgery again but our FIERCE girls will definitely be thinking of her!!)

Hi:):)
I was diagnosed in march 1994.  I went for a routine physical.... Ended up with graves.  Never heard of it....I was 25..... And a few months away from my first wedding anniversary.  That June I had radioactive iodine.... That July I celebrated my first anniversary ..... And began to gain weight & everything began to fall further apart.  By November I was 60 lbs heavier. 

I spent years driving home from the Dr. appointments crying  thinking what the hell is happening to me.  Like u, i thought.... I am here.... Suck it up..... FIGHT! 

Well it's been many years and to be honest I am still searching for answers.
I don't know anyone else with Graves.  And now I wonder why there is no support for us.... Or maybe there is & no one told me. I feel so alone.  

I saw u on BT this week.... But only caught the bit about ur award.  I didn't know who u were or what ur story was or why u were receiving the award.   

It is thanksgiving Monday morning .... And I can't sleep.  I turn on BT & see u again on their best of show.  This time I see the whole clip and am in total awe!!!!!! 

I believe everything happens for a reason. I was meant to see this....to learn about u. I googled u and read a bit of ur blog.  I had a few realizations and knew I  needed to talk to u.  Even though I've had it 19 years ago, I still yearn to learn more, Understand it better.... As I am still dealing with the fallout and am scared for my future... For my health. 

I really hope to hear from u... U r the  only other person I've come across with graves.... Wow:). I'm sad to say I'm glad to have seen u .... As I am sad you went & are going thru so much crap.... Yet have hope we can bring each other comfort and learn together....support each other. 

With hope and fight still in me....
Francie 

I am thankful for so much today.... And now meeting u via media is one of the things I am thankful for.  Hang in there;). 

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Living Out Loud

by Sammie Love

 
I took a walk. Not just any walk. I took a walk that freed me from 25 years of silence. I stood in front of the Women's Building in SanFrancisco with @500 other people and I bonded with them as we began the SanFrancisco Women Against Rape's 7th Annual Walk Against Rape 5k.

I was joined by my oldest son and my good friend/walking partner and they held me up and kept my spirits high during the 5k walk throught the Mission District, Castro District and Potrero District.

The walk was a simple one, in fact the route was half a mile shorter than my daily walk. The hardest part of this walk for me dealing with my emotions and finally coming forth after 25 years and standing before the public and saying, I AM A RAPE SURVIVOR!

Meaning those words, owning them, finally understanding my own struggles about being raped and coming to terms withthis life-long struggle was definitely the triumph of the day!

A week before the walk, I received a notice that my 10 year-old daughter's dance troupe LOCO BLOCO would be providing entertainment at the end of a parade and supporting an important cause. This special event would serve as a LIVE rehearsal for San Francisco Carnaval. As I kept reading the announcement flyer, SFWAR leapt from the page. I hadn't thought about them in years. I hadn't shared their significance in my life with my husband or children. I hadn't used their services or fiscally supported them recently. I hadn't spoken about this organization in years, in fact the last time I spoke of them, I unfortunately was giving a young extended family member a referral for their services.

San Francisco Women Against Rape had intervened in my life when I initially was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) six years after I was raped. They provided supportive services for me that completely changed my life! The counselors, staff and survivors that I met there were such an important part of my life and healing! Frankly, I question what would my life have been like if I had not been introduced to them because I was: afraid, angry, bitter, depressed, distant, embarrassed, guilty, hard, out-of-control, numb, scared, scarred, shame-filled, seeking love, suffering, suffocating, and slowly dying!

I was a shell of my former bubbly, fun-loving, happy, and lively self. I had become someone that I didn't recognize. My boyfriend at the time did the best he could to love and support me, but I was fighting a battle so much larger than "us" that all that could do was love him the best I could, which was pretty limited and by even basic standards was clearly not enough! I remember sitting in a group session with SFWAR and being asked what types of things made me happy -- and I could not think of one thing! Not ONE thing. I was so consumed with hatred, guilt for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and loathing yyat myself for being a VICTIM, that I found joy in nothing. I was broken and they helped me bandage my life, mend my heart, and helped me find the courage to heal.

When I finished reading that announcement flyer I decided to walk. No more living in the shadows selectively informing those that I know what happened to me.

I decided to LIVE OUT LOUD!

I sent a text message to my husband and oldest son and I told them that I wanted to walk in the Women Against Rape walk the following Saturday. They were receptive and understood what I wanted to do. Next, I went on Facebook and I posted on my wall for 556 friends, family members, acquaintances and professional associates to read about the most profound secret that I had kept for 25 years:

I made the decision to walk in the San Francisco Women Against Rape's 7th Annual Walk Against Rape next Saturday. I am so proud of all of the work they do and I wouldn't be able to say that I AM A SURVIVOR without them!

With that brief announcement on Facebook, the flood gates of caring, love, hope, empathy, understanding and peace overtook me. I was bombarded with messages in my Facebook inbox and friends posted encouragement on my wall! The terror of silence and the fear of alienation left me and friends quietly confided in me that they too had been raped and lived in silence, or they simply applauded my strength in

acknowledging my truth. Through my choice to live out loud I helped others find their voice by me sharing about this walk!

On the morning of of the walk, I posted another note on Facebook:

As I prepare to walk against rape this morning, I will be joining a chorus of men and women that refuse to live in silence, shame and fear anymore. We refuse to live as victims and we choose to live as survivors. I will be supported by family and friends that will be with me physically and the rest
of you will be there in my heart.

So, as my excitement built about the walk and we arrived at the end of the walk route to park our car, and my husband dropped us off at the beginning of the walk route, I began to reflect on all that I had been feeling for the past 25 years as I prepared to walk. I thought of how the years of silence had impacted my life. I thought about how I was able to continue on with my life living silently and how much better my life got when I decided that I didn't have to stay trapped by my fears of the past!

As my son, friend and me walked in the Castro District, I heard a voice screaming my name. I scanned through the crowd of people on the streets and on the sidewalks and I was surprised to see one of my elementary school mates and her mother waving at me. Two people that loved me as a child and watched me grow up. Miles and years had separated us, our families connecting through pictures and notes through Facebook and they read my post about the walk and came to San Francisco to support me. My heart jumped in my chest as the tears began to stream from my eyes when I reached them and gave them both a big hug. I don't think that they will ever know how much I appreciated seeing them along the route especially since they drove 40 miles from home to be there! Their being there gave me an affirmation that I was loved,
supported and doing just fine!

The walk through the Mission District continued to be overwhelming, thought-provoking and powerful. People honked their horns in support of our cause, the University of San Francisco contingent lead a chorus of chants against rape, store merchants walked out of their shops cheering us on offering us free bottles of
cold water and fresh fruit.

Never have I felt such an outpouring of love and support from a community of strangers. Love that could have helped me heal earlier if I was receptive to receiving it. Love that reminded me that I am so much more than the terrible thing that happened to me. Love that restored my faith in mankind and in strangers.

When we completed our 5k walk we were greeted at La Raza Plaza by volunteers and a wonderful lunch spread. My emotions were raw, I could not eat and I suddenly became silent, but this silence was okay. This silence came from living out loud, lifting my voice, speaking my truth and finally feeling at peace with everyone knowing that I AM A RAPE SURVIVOR!


__

Ending notes:
It has taken me a month to collect my thoughts on participating in the San Francisco Women Against Rape's 7th Annual Walk Against Rape. I'd like to thank my Boss/Sista from Anotha Mista Tamara for allowing me the time I needed to process my feelings, supporting me in my decision to walk and write about it and for loving me enough to tell me to walk away from writing this until I was ready to.

I'd like to thank my supporting cast of characters as well:

* My husband for your support and quiet strength as I've struggled to get to this point in my life when I have chosen to LIVE OUT LOUD!.

* My son for your jokes, encouragement, acceptance and "protection" as I walked (Yes, you were the Braun in our contingent of three).

* My girlfriend and walking partner for your heart, understanding and undying support and for getting up at the butt-crack of dawn and walking with me on a Saturday morning with coffee in your hand and a smile on your face!!!

* My ex for talking with me about this part of my journey towards healing, supporting my decision to walk and forgiving me for the damage I caused by being "silent" all of those years!

* My parents for their undying support (my Mom here on earth and my Dad from heaven), grace and love as I have struggled to come to terms with with who I was, who I became, and who I am now! Thank you for ALWAYS loving me, caring for me, supporting me and for being the BEST PARENTS EVER!!!!

* My Church Family for helping me mend my heart, to learn true forgiveness and for helping me remember to forgive others just as GOD has forgiven me.

* My friends (past, current, virtual and future) for taking this journey with me!

Be brave and be well!

Sammie Love is the pen name of a wife, mother of three children, and an Early Childhood Educator and Professional Development Trainer for Teachers. She is a sexy erotica writing super heroine unleashing passion on paper by night. She is an active blogger and has recently started writing a book about parenting children with learning differences.

 
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Stronger Than Yesterday...

By Sammie Love

One year ago I wrote an article called Embracing My Scars for MOM Magazine. That article was the first time that I had ever told the general public that I was brutally raped when I was nineteen years old and how I have struggled with Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome My life has changed so much in the past year since I
wrote that article.

I have learned that I am stronger than yesterday. I am stronger when I am open to receive the love of others. I am stronger when I share what is on my heart with others instead of shutting them out. I am stronger when I rely on the word of the LORD and not my own understanding.

Embracing My Scars was just the beginning of me getting stronger. What I wrote in that article was I was a cancer and rape survivor but I hadn't really looked at so many other underlying issues that I had like: lack of trust, a hard heart and a body that was finally cracking under the weight of deep seeded depression and anxiety. My body was internally attacking me and it manifested itself through anxiety, weight gain and withdrawal.

My relationship with food and supressing feelings of inferiority after being raped made me withdraw from friends and potential friends. I always felt like I was never good enough to be their friend. I felt damaged and my heart felt broken.

I had a few special friends that I clung to this year and I opened up to them. One friend introduced me to another friend and another friend introduced me to more friends. I remember when one of them told me, "Life is too short to be unhappy! You are beautiful, intelligent and you are my sister and you don't have to settle for less than you deserve."

I've clung to those words. Those words held me when my job was downsized, when I had a car accident and my car was totaled, and when my anxiety wouldn't allow me to get back into a car. Those words gave me hope when I accepted a new job only to be let go because the license for the school hadn't been issued. I grabbed those words when I developed gallstones and kidney stones and had to have the kidney stones surgically removed. Those words helped me to build my confidence and to establish boundaries and set personal goals for happiness. Those words became my mantra when I hit rock bottom and I surrendered to GOD to help lift me back up!

As I reflect on this year I am so amazed at how GOD has worked in and through me:

•  I have opened up with friends and family about what happened to me and I have really expanded my writing to be more reflective of the journey I am on to heal all of the fragments of my life.
• I have mended fences with people I shut out of my life after I was raped and I explained that I was too embarrassed to tell them what I was going through because I didn't understand it myself.
• I have written a series of articles that go into detail about my recent health scare (suspected uterine cancer) and the positive outcome.
• I studied the bible with a group of sisters and I have joined a bible based Church that I LOVE!
• I began to look at my relationship with food and my body image. I sought help from my doctor's and I began a "walking discovery journey" and I have recently lost 75 pounds.
• And the final piece of the puzzle is I've decided to participate in the San Francisco Women Against Rape's 7th Annual Walk Against Rape on Saturday, April 28, 2012.

I am lighter and truly walking in the light. There are still dark days but with GOD's grace, the love of my family, my "Sista from Anotha Mista", Church and friends I have risen from tragedy to triumph and I truly know that which does not kill me will make me stronger. As I said before, I am stronger than yesterday and "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

Be Brave, Be Well
*Sammie Love


Sammie Love is a wife, mother of three children, and an Early Childhood Educator and Professional Development Trainer for Teacher's entering the field by day. She is a sexy erotica writing super heroine unleashing passion on paper by night. She is an active blogger and has recently started writing a book about parenting children with learning differences.


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Lissa Rankin: You need to know her

Lissa Rankin, Owning Pink

I virtually met Lissa Rankin a couple of years ago on Twitter when I was spiraling out of control into darkness. She was like this flicker of awesomeness just there for me when I needed her, even though she didn't realize how much she truly inspired me at the time. I've watched her skyrocket into a realm of true greatness, empowering women wherever she goes to OWN PINK.

Among her other talents, Lissa is an actual OB/GYN, author, speaker, artist, and blogger extraordinaire who "allows" women to be comfortable in their own skin. She gives you a safe place to ask questions without judgement, has actual scientific knowledge of your lady bits, and has a wicked sense of humour with an insanely targeted insight into what women need to hear.

She posted a blog today called, "When You Veer Off Course," and I grabbed my coffee to focus on her words.

She compares life to a Concorde; you know, that super fast jet that got you from London to NYC in like 5 minutes? Apparently, and I didn't know this, that jet was too fast for pilots so it was operated  by two computers that would talk back and forth to each other. Neat, huh?

Apparently, you could hear them talking to each other. They prattled on during the entire flight, yada yada yada - “Off track!” “Correcting course!”

One guy on a tour of the Concorde asked why they were constantly talking to each other. Wasn’t the Concorde ever on course?

The tour guide said “Yes, about 1% of the time. The other 99% of the time, the jet veers off course, requiring constant autocorrection.” 

When asked what time the plane would arrive in New York by the concerned man, the tour guide said, “At 10 pm, plus or minus three minutes.” 

You Can Be Off Course & Still Reach Your Destination 

In other words, it’s not about constantly sticking to the straight and narrow. You veer left. You stray right. You swerve and sway and bump up and down in the air pockets.
Nobody blames the Concorde for getting off course. There’s no shame game or guilt or Gremlins whispering evil-nothings. The Concorde’s computers aren’t screaming at each other, going “You IDIOT! You’re off course! AGAIN!”

Lissa's point is BRILLIANT! She gives you the permission you need to forgive YOURSELF for your mistakes, veering off your path in life, and shows you how to make it right again.

The more off course we get, the harder it is to face what we've done, so the more likely it is that we'll keep steering off track. 

But darling, please don't do this. Forgive yourself for what you've done right this moment. Accept this hug (((((((YOU))))))). Forgive what you've done. Now start making it right - not tomorrow, but today. 

Don’t wait until you’re 1,000 miles off course. It’s harder to find your way when you do. And if you've already lost your way, don’t wait another moment to tune in to your inner guidance system and auto-correct.

We all make mistakes, wander off of our paths and sometimes it's tougher to find your way back because that trail of breadcrumbs you left was eaten by the damn birds. But knowing that it's OK to forgive yourself, forgive your fuck-ups, and start moving to where you know you SHOULD be in life, is like some gift from the universe.

A gift from Lissa.

And now I am re-gifting this to you.

Read Lissa's blog in it's complete greatness by clicking here.

 
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