Dear Diary, I think I'll be OK

My granpa has officially given up. He told me so, yesterday.

He knows there is nothing that can be done and he is ready to just close his eyes and be together again with my grandma.

The nurses pulled me aside yesterday and said he officially had the doctor sign a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and that he had lost his fight.

I wasn't surprised.

I went in and watched him snooze. I took his hand and whispered, "The nurses said you are giving up. Have you lost your fight, granpa?"



He opened his eyes and said, "Yah." And then he closed them again.



I'm not gonna lie, I shed a few tears because I was sad to hear him so depressed and weak. But, I quickly composed myself and started talking about my day.



"You can't sleep your day away," I said. "Wake up and talk to me."

"I don't know what to say, Tamara. I just don't know what to say."

He closed his eyes and was quiet for a while, when I said, "You want a drink, granpa? I'll sneak you in some rye."



His eyes POPPED open, I'm not even kidding I laughed out loud. "Really? You will?"



I giggled and said, "Yes, the nurse actually told me you can have a drink."



When the nurses told me about the DNR, they also told me that he was declining rapidly because he wasn't eating or drinking and he refused his IV so he was close to dehydration. I joked that if there was rye in his water, he'd drink it and the nurse said that they would be more than happy to get an order for a cocktail for the old boy.



Honestly, I was a little surprised but she said that in his case, where he's dying and there's not much time left, they make exceptions.



So, when I told him the good news, it added at least a couple of days to his life because I told him he couldn't have any until today.

"Gawddamit, Tamara!" he said, shaking his head.

"See," I pointed out, "you've still got some fight left in you!"



He laughed and nodded.



This whole process has been long, and I am weary. Emotionally, physically and mentally, I am drained. But I've come to terms with everything and accepted the way it is. I will miss him dearly but at least I know we're both going to be OK. He'll go to my grandma and I'll still have my memories.



Until then, we still have each other.



t.

Dear diary: I don't know what to say

I think I'm in shock.

I've known for a while how bad off my granpa is but it still is painful to hear the experts at the Cross Cancer Institute tell him there's no hope and that he has weeks, if a month, to live.

When I heard the news, I was eerily calm. I asked questions, tried to keep my granpa from being upset, and generally kept it together.

I even explained things to Big Daddy, repeated what the doctor said, and was fine.

There were no tears, just a calm rationalization that this was to be expected.

But now, I'm sitting here, trying to keep myself from hyperventalating and breaking down.

Cancer. Fucking. Sucks.

The doctor said his official diagnosis was that the primary source is unknown and that they could treat it with an aggressive IV Chemotherapy but that he is too frail and weak to take the treatment.

"Ultimately," the doctor said, "(having the treatment) could be the end of you."

My granpa, however, took that to mean there was hope.

"Well," he said, "let's do it."

The doctor looked at me and said, "No. I've treated 70-year-olds who have been able to walk in here on their own and you, well..." he didn't have to finish. My granpa is 6'2" and weighs 130lbs. He can barely wheel himself in his wheelchair let alone walk on his own.

He said the best they could do was make him comfortable.

Hearing you're going to die sooner than later is always a kick in the nuts.

When the doctor excused himself, wishing my granpa the best, I stood there not really knowing what to say.

So, I said nothing. And then we I talked to the doctor and he was really straightforward, telling me he thought my grandfather would be lucky to make it to 2 months, and that I should enjoy every moment with him.

And yet, I didn't flinch. Because I knew this was coming.

My granpa, however, was agitated and anxious to get out of there, the same way he was when he discharged himself from the hospital a few weeks ago.

Now, I am only trying to cope. I have always looked to writing as the ultimate therapy, so humour me if I tend to blog a LOT over the course of the next few weeks. I'm not looking for sympathy, I swear, I am using this as an outlet. I find it much more calming than any yoga or kickboxing class could ever be.

It's funny. I started this blog a blubbering mess yet I am finishing it feeling like it's going to be OK.

A couple of weeks... yah. Guess I better make sure that damn prozac prescrip is filled!!

Either that or my wine cabinet better damn well be stocked!

xoxo
t.

Dear diary: I think he's come to terms with it

There hasn't been a lot of time from prognosis to now, in fact I can't believe it's only been six weeks since we found out he had cancer, but I think my granpa has finally accepted the fact that he's dying.

The last couple of days, he has clutched my hand and not wanted to let go. He tells me he loves me all the time, where as before I was lucky if I just got a wink and a smile from him. Yesterday he called and asked why it had been so long since I had seen him, but I had only missed going to the hospital on Monday and that's because I was sick.

"I love you, Stinker," he said.

"I love you, too granpa. I will see you this afternoon."

"Oh. OK. I miss you."

I think he knows that he doesn't have a lot of time left and it scares him. Yesterday when I did make it to the hospital, we chatted for a bit before he became silent. His eyes teared up and he said, "I want you to have granma's (wedding) ring."

I was shocked. Because when we had made arrangements for the funeral, he insisted that he be buried with his rings. I assumed he meant my grandmother's ring as well so when he said that, I replied, "You don't have to do that, granpa."

"I know I don't have to but I want to," he said, looking away. I could see the tears and it broke my heart.

"OK, granpa. Thank you."

Later, when he asked me to wheel him outside so he could have a cigarette (yes, he still smokes. What? There's no reason he can't enjoy the rest of his days... it's not like quitting now will make a difference), he said he wanted to complie a list of people to call. For, you know, 'after.'

I truly believe that he's finally getting his shit together because he knows there isn't much time left. Tomorrow we go to the Cross Cancer Institute for a more definitive answer on the primary source of the cancer but most likely I've been told not to hold out hope for treatment. Once he's done there, the palliative team will assess him however, once again, I've been told that he is probably a good candidate for the Hospice which means he has less than 2 months to live.

As tough as this has been for both of us, I do not want him to suffer so maybe it's a blessing. I am only living in the moment, though, and plan on making each one count.

t.

Dear Diary: A new month, a new outlook

Oh dear diary, you know how shitty this past couple of months has been... well... I've decided to redirect my attention to things I can control; the magazine, my home and myself.

Last week, I was told my granpa has about 2 months left to live.

Good. Times.

But I expected it so there's really nothing I can change or control about this situation except that I can make the most of each moment I have left with the old boy.

However, I also realize that I am close to burning out from stress so if I'm not healthy I won't be good to anyone, not my kids, not Big Daddy, and definitely not my grandfather.

That is why I'm focusing on the next issue of MOM Magazine and our inaugural FIERCE Women of the Year awards.

Are you FIERCE?

• Outstanding MEO:
  YOU are an entrepreneurial mom who juggles work, home life, friends, family and are an industry leader! You run your own business. Your determination, spunk and grit have gotten you to where you are today. You have launched a successful marketing campaign for your business, shown impressive growth, mastered the art of social media and self-promotion, and can sell your products/services to your target market. When people talk about you and your business, it's with awe and respect because YOU impress people wherever you go.
  
• Phenomenal Female: YOU have overcome huge obstacles in your life and are living a richer, fuller life in spite of the challenges you have faced. Life hasn't always been easy... there have been times when you thought you wouldn't make it but you found a way! You didn't let adversity win, you kicked it right in the ass and took back your life!
  
• Rising Star: YOU are under 35 and have rocked the business world! You are making a difference in your community and will be a force to be reckoned with! Your ambition knows no boundaries! You may be young but you are brilliant, driven, influential, have great leadership skills and show the potential to continue making a difference in the community.
  
• Dame Diva: YOU are past the poopy diaper stage of motherhood and enjoying the empty nest. Once a mom, always a mom, but you are also a woman, wife, friend, mentor and goddess! You share your experience with other women through volunteer work and/or in the work force. You offer advice, wisdom and comfort, and are seen as a mentor to younger women.
  
• MOM Extraordinaire: YOU do it all! Volunteer, schedule appointments, take the day off to stay home with sick kids, co-ordinate playdates, run the household, do the laundry, bake the birthday cakes... there’s nothing you don’t do for your family! There is no such thing as "Just a MOM" and you deserve to be recognized for everything you do!

I've also changed some of the criteria for the awards and you do not have to be a member of FIERCE to qualify for these awards. Simply send in the entry/nomination form and we will contact the nominee for an interview.

This contest is open to anyone in the Greater Edmonton region but next year we are opening up the awards on a national level.

Let's honour some of the women who have made a difference! Don't be afraid to nominate yourself! We love to see women who are confident in themselves!!

I look forward to seeing your entries!

t.

PS I want to thank everyone for their support and understanding during this extremely difficult time with my grandfather. It's not easy watching someone you love, die. Your kind thoughts and words mean more to me than you know.

Dear Diary: It's a new month and time for a new outlook!

Oh, dear diary, I made it through this past month relatively unscathed. I've had my moments where I have lost control of my emotions but, thankfully, I was alone and could just give into my sadness in private.

The old boy is going downhill quicker than I expected but maybe that's a good thing? I don't know. I'm not ready for him to go just yet so I hope he at least lasts for the rest of the hockey season. When the Calgary Flames kicked the shit outta the Edmonton Oilers on the weekend, I was sure that my granpa could now die a happy man. Turns out, he didn't even see the game but gave me that shit-eatin' grin of his when I told him about the score.

He's pretty weak and frail but his spirit remains strong. I have forced myself to start refocussing on the magazine because I need to keep my mind focused on the GOAL!! What's the goal? To have the baddest-ass MOM Magazine OUT THERE!!

And so it shall be!

We have our first-ever FIERCE awards gala coming up and I encourage EVERY woman to enter!! This isn't a "mommy" awards ceremony, we are celebrating WOMEN!!

• Outstanding MEO



• Dame Diva



• Phenomenal Female



• Rising Star



• MOM Extraordinaire

So, let's celebrate YOU and all of your accomplishments!! Enter today or nominate someone YOU know who is worthy of being named a FIERCE Woman of the Year!!

t.

PS Thanks to everyone for your kind thoughts about my granpa. I truly appreciate it!

Dear Diary: Life (and death) are truly fucking up my plans

I don't know what I've done to piss off the universe but I've been kicked in the nuts enough times to know it must have been bad.

Before Christmas, my granpa was told he has cancer. Ever since then, it has been a struggle against time, reality, life, heartache, pain, denial, ignorance and so much more.

Today, we met with the funeral planner. She was an hour and 15 minutes late, which pissed me off to no end because this shit is hard enough to deal with without a mixup in schedules, and then the whole meeting was rushed.

But, we picked out the coffin, planned the memorial lunch, decided that he would be buried with both his and my grandma's wedding rings (which I had hoped to keep), was told that I would write the obituary, deal with the majority of the arrangements, find the pallbearers, contact his dumbass relatives, pick out a suit, ensure that my grandparent's "song" 'Look At Us' by Vince Gill is played at the memorial, ensure there is no 'service folder' for keepsakes (you know those gawdawful things they hand out for people to keep but you end up throwing them away, anyway, even though they cost a motherfuckin' fortune to print? Yah. Those.)

Yup. It was a pro-fuckin'-ductive day.

I hate this shit.

I truly do. Where the hell are his kids to do this? Why am I left holding his hand, telling him it will be a "Helluva party!" when he says, "Only you and I will be there."

He was so great. He knows how tough this has been for me. So he told me before I left today that the Cross Cancer Institute visit that he has coming up is only for a routine check up.

FML.

I hated having to sit there with him as he picked out his casket. Who the hell does that?

Put yourself in my shoes for one minute. Imagine yourself as an only child with no other relatives to turn to and the person who means most to you in life, is dying. So, you sit with them, hold there hand, joke with them and then pick out a casket.

Yah. Good. Fucking. Times.

Everything else is on hold for me. Too bad for anyone who can't understand that.

t.

10 Things I Love About Big Daddy

It's our 10th wedding anniversary today and in honour of the 10 years that Big Daddy has put up with me, I've decided to list 10 things I love about the big boy.

Indulge me, for a moment, as I share a little background. It was -26C the day we got married but I always said it would be a cold day in hell if I ever walked down the aisle. I mean, who wanted to be stuck with ONE guy for the rest of their lives, let alone have kids? Sure as hell not this career-oriented babe. Nope, I was going to play the field, go from a minor daily newspaper as a sports scribe to a TV career on TSN! Yes! I had it all figured out.

And then, one impulsive trip back to Edmonton to spend New Year's Eve with my cousin and his wife led to a chance encounter that drastically changed the course of my life.

And now, after 11 years of being together and 10 years of marriage, I need to share with you what makes Big Daddy so damn amazing.

Prepare.... to be AMAZED!

10. He always tells me he loves me. Multiple times a day. Even when I don't like him at that moment, he'll tell me he loves me. Although when I ask him WHY, he never comes up with an answer. I think it's because I'm so freakin' awesome that there can't be just one reason.

9. The first night we met, we were bantering and he looked across the table and said, "I think you need a spanking." I knew then that a) I was completely turned on and b) he was smart enough to keep up with my witty conversation.

8. He's the funniest and smartest person I've ever met. I actually never knew I was as funny as I am until I met him because he introduced me to inappropriate humour like Southpark. I always liked dark comedy but childish comedy, not so much. However, because of Big Daddy, I realize that I AM Peter Griffin. So, in essence, Big Daddy is bangin' Peter Griffin. Weird.

7. Whenever I think of him, I smile. Most days. Don't get me wrong, it's not all sunshine and lollipops over here but when I am feelin' all lovey dovey and think of him, he makes me smile. Just picturing his pretty mug makes me grin.Now if that ain't love, I don't know what is!

6. He is the best dad in the world! Our kids are who they are because he is their dad. They have all of his best qualities and only a hint of his bad traits (yes, even Big Daddy is not perfect, as much as he'd like to think so).

5. Patience. He has more than Ghandi and Mother Theresa put together. Seriously. Because to be married to me and my smart ass attitude, one must be patient.

4. He accepts me for who I am. He wishes I would do things differently which means "his way" but he realized very early in our relationship that I march to my own beat. And, like Frank Sinatra, I do it my way. Right or wrong, I live life the way I want to live it, not the way I "should" live it, or "should" parent my kids, or "should" act in certain situations. And in spite of the way I am, he loves me.

3. Las Vegas. I actually booked an impulse trip on a Thursday to leave on the Sunday for our first trip to Vegas but once we got there, Big Daddy fell in love with Sin City (he wasn't too happy that I used our Bay Card to book the trip and subsequently cancelled the card but he enjoyed himself, nonetheless). Vegas has since become our escape from reality. That bright light city surely set our soul... it went and set our soul on fire! VIVA! Las Vegas!! Seriously, it's the place we go where no one needs us and we can forget everything for three days.

2. He's my best friend. I can tell him anything and not worry about him judging me (except when it comes to money, then he gets all "responsible" on me. It's annoying). But for the most part, he's pretty awesome. He'll even watch award shows with me!

1. I've never trusted anyone the way I trust Big Daddy. He makes me feel safe and secure, something I never had in my life (with the exception of my grandparents, of course). But trusting people has never been my strong suit, so trusting him the way I do is a big deal. I'm never worried about him cheating or doing anything to jeopardize our relationship. There's something about trusting someone so completely that is freeing and wonderful.

Happy 10th, babe. I love you more than you know!!

xoxo

t.